Movie Night on the Normandy SR2
by Blackdeer7
Summary: Takes place after ME2 and LotSB. The title says it all. Lakota Shepard's crew watches and reviews various movies. Latest review - Saving Private Ryan 'Nuff said.
1. Star Wars: A New Hope

**Author's Notes:****  
**  
The first movie the crew watches is Star Wars: A New Hope, the original, theatrical release. Not the genetically altered, mysterious, "why did Greedo shoot first" adaptation.

For each new chapter, there will be a new movie, and the crew members will, in their very unique way, review and comment on the film. Movie two and three will be Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back and Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, respectively.

If you have any movie review requests, submit away. The goal of this piece is for all crew members to have their favorite movie(s) reviewed.

As always, thanks for reading, and a great many thanks to those who leave reviews. Your comments, good and constructive, are greatly appreciated.

I hope you enjoy the humor!

* * *

Star Wars: A New Hope

The last of the movie credits rolled, and the lights in the "briefing room turned theater" came on. Various crew members stood up stretching their arms and legs, while others stayed seated around the oval table in dumbfounded disbelief. Or was it giddy excitement?

"That was so _**cool**_!" shouted Joker enthusiastically. He stood, pointed his hand, palm up, at Jack, who was also standing, and intoned in a deep, slow tenor, "The force is strong in that one."

Seeing Jack's "I'm going to kill you" glare, Joker quickly stepped behind Grunt.

Jack turned her head to face the group, retorting, "That was a bunch of shit. No way a bunch of untrained boneheads are going to saunter up to the galactic badass, and take down his base so easily. "

Grunt agreed, "They had no strategy. That was not a real battle! It was just small model ships on strings enacting combat. It was irritating."

To no one in particular, Tali muttered incredulously, "That was an adventure film? Droids with emotions…that's not an adventure I'd want to visit." Staying seated, she shuddered visibly.

Legion added, "We calculated thirty-two times the humans would have died without droid intervention."

"That does not help…" Tali shuddered again.

With a smug smile, Jack triumphed, "See! No fucking way!"

Still sitting, Garrus astutely advised, "That whole scene with the X wing fighter speeding down the trench trying to hit the two meter target…well, there's no way they should have missed. With the proper calibrations, they could have hit that target easily. Completely unbelievable!"

Shaking his head, Zaeed offered his expert opinion, "If Solo had been a true mercenary, he would have taken the money and left. No sentimental crap. He was spineless."

Shepard piped in, "I liked the way he shot Greedo at the bar, though. He knew his enemy and took him out. No questions asked."

Garrus chuckled to himself, "Wait, don't tell me…you like the guy. You probably tried to emulate him while growing up, right?"

"Hey…let's not take this to the personal level."

"Way to deflect, Shepard."

"Learned it from you, 'Archangel'."

Offering his own brand of advice, Mordin noted, "Alien variation inconsistent. Plastic prothstetic on human, not realistic adhesion. Would have more success with medical augmentation. Better results."

Mildly annoyed, Kasumi stated, "Well, I for one am not impressed with the characters. The ethnic variety is not realistic. By that time, the Asian population would have had more dominance in human colonies; at least two of the main characters should have had Asian features."

His eyes not leaving the thief, Jacob affirmed, "I agree with Kasumi. And not only that, but where are the black men and woman? Or anyone with different skin tones other than white?"

Kasumi's eyes locked onto Jacob, "Yes, my point exactly."

A silent, lurid communication seemed to be building between the two, until the mood was broken by Tali's offended outcry, "I do _**not**_ sound like Vader!"

Sitting in the chair next to Tali, his hands held up in a defensive posture, Garrus attempted to back pedal from his statement, "That's not what I meant…I just thought the earlier models of bio suits might sound…"

Interrupting, Tali seethed, "If I had a light saber, I'd stick it up…"

"Okay, okay…at ease people. It's a vid. And vid night is supposed to help with camaraderie; make us a more cohesive unit." Lakota thought it was best to break up the exchange before Tali decided to find something saber-like and prove her point.

Joker, who had since moved from behind Grunt to stand next to Kasumi, kept stealing glances at the thief, then looking away: peek a glance, and then look away. This continued until, finally, Kasumi confronted him, "Something on your mind, Joker?"

"Um…nah…I mean, well, yeah. Could you, just for a second, could you put your hood over your head?"

A perplexed look crossed her face, but Kasumi amiably complied with his request. Everyone in the room watched as Kasumi placed the hood over her head.

"Okay," she said, "now what?"

"Could you take it off for a couple of seconds, and then put it back on?"

Again, she amiably complied with his request.

Joker's eyes slowly grew wide in an exponentially increasing, panicked expression. He stretched out his right arm, pointing his finger at the thief, and backed away while blurting out, "I knew it! I knew it! She's one of them! Can't you see it? She looks just like a Jedi!"

Taking off the hood, Kasumi casually shook her head, rolled her eyes, and then returned her barely hidden, lustful gaze to Jacob.

Everyone's attention shifted when Samara abruptly rose from the table and stated matter-of-factly, "My code would have required me to kill them all."

Still smirking at the Justicar's comment, Lakota noticed Thane sitting, with his eyes closed, to her left. He'd been very reserved throughout the movie. She knelt down and asked, "Everything okay, Thane?"

Opening his eyes, he peacefully intoned, "Yes, Shepard."

"You seem awfully quiet."

Looking directly into the commander's eyes, his melodious voice conveyed an added undertone of emotional longing, "Do you know if Tatooine really exists?"

Taken aback by his intensity, Lakota fumbled in her reply, "Um…not that actual planet, but it was filmed on Earth…in a desert climate."

"You are very fortunate to have such an environment on your home planet." With that, Thane closed his eyes again. Lakota assumed he was lost in his eidetic recollections of Tatooine images.

"I agree with Jack."

A, complete and utter, absence of sound blanketed the room.

Miranda stayed seated in her chair and continued, "The movie was completely unrealistic. I mean, who believes that a mysterious energy field that surrounds all life could give someone power? 'Stretch out with your feelings'…? What that hell was that? A bunch of propaganda, that's what…The music was good though."

Legion affirmed, "We have already acquired a digital copy and downloaded it to EDI's common drive."

Raising her hand, Tali elated, "Oh, I want it, too!"

Garrus leaned over to Tali and whispered, "How come we didn't get a ceremony like that after we defeated Saren and Sovereign? Medals around our necks, Alliance and Citadel races lined up and clapping for us…"

Tali shrewdly observed, "That would have required that the council to admit Sovereign was a Reaper."

"Yeah, good point."

In a dreamily, lilted voice, Dr. Chakwas commented, "I, for one, liked the romanticism of the film. Heroic rebels defend the galaxy against the evil Empire, and, in the face of catastrophic odds, are victorious in the end. Inspiring really."

Shepard snorted, "I love the line, 'Who's the more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him?'"

The room went silent again, and all eyes stared at the commander.

Donning her most bewitching smile, Lakota innocently asked, "Was it something I said?"

* * *

At the same time, Kelly Chambers wandered through the lower decks and muttered beneath her breath, "Hmph…where is everyone? The message said vid night was in Engineering…"


	2. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

The unmistakable score of John William's _Imperial March _reverberated through Kasumi's Port Observation quarters as the lights turned on, and the "blind-turned-vid screen" opened to starry space. The crew was seated throughout her room: on the floor, on her couch, or on make-shift seats.

The first member on his feet was Joker. "That was so _**AWESOME**_!" With one hand covering his mouth, he breathed in noisily, trying his best to sound like a respirator, then with an un-Joker-like, low voice, exhaled heavily and pointed to Miranda, "No…[_hrrrrrkkkk…ssshhhh_]… I am your _**father**_!" Animated with giddy delight, he squealed, "Did you see that coming? Did you? No, I don't think so…"

Seeing Miranda's "kill first, ask questions later" expression, Joker quickly hobbled behind the seated Doctor Chakwas.

"Keelah, these movies are horrifying." Tali pressed some stim activation keys on her bio-suit, and her body visibly relaxed.

Garrus and Thane each had a "make believe" light saber in hand and were stepping lightly through the room, reenacting Luke's epic battle scene with Vader.

"Remember when Han had to cut open his tauntaun to save Luke?" the turian inquired to the drell.

Dodging between Grunt and Jacob, Thane lyrically responded, "Yes."

Losing some ground near the bar, Garrus proudly stated, "I had to do something like that once."

Thane continued advancing with his imaginary saber and noted, "I've had to do it…twice."

Their battle continued as Samara rose from her seated position on the floor. Unimpressed, she stoically pronounced, "Cloud City would perish under my Code, as well."

Clearly agitated, Grunt thunderously paced along the length of Kasumi's bed. Halting abruptly, he grumbled, "First there were model ships on strings, now, clay animals and puppets. Each one more annoying than the other." Underlining his frustration, he smashed his fists together.

Legion amiably declared, "This platform is intrigued by the Dark Commander. More data required."

The room went silent and still: nobody wanted to hear that.

All eyes shifted when a loud, nasally noise, similar to a grinder, sounded off in the corner of the room. Zaeed was passed out and snoring next to Kasumi's bar, christened "The Star Bar," a victim of playing Shepard's "You Drink When Luke Whines" game. Consuming twenty-three shots of Kasumi's private stock was impressive by anyone's standard.

Stepping over Zaeed, Kasumi poured two drinks and questioned, "How did Luke get his feet frozen in the roof of that icy cave on Hoth, anyway? Makes no sense."

"That creature would be a worthy opponent!" piped in Grunt, and again, he slammed his fists together for increased inflection.

Leaning against the wall, arms crossed in a confrontational mood, Jack spat, "How can a character who is such a pussy, be much of a threat to the galactic badass?" An idea taking hold in her head, Jack definitively announced, "That's it! I'm gonna be, Skywalker. I'll show him how it's supposed to be done."

Appalled, Joker poked his head out from behind Chakwas protesting, "You can't be Luke!"

"Why the hell can't I?" To make her point, Jack raised a hand and biotically lifted a table three feet off the ground.

Attempting to pick his words carefully, Joker stuttered, "You're just…you're just…you're not Jedi material."

"Who the fuck said I was gonna be a Jedi? I'm going to the dark side."

Garrus deflected the pending argument by declaring, "I vote for Samara being Obi-wan. Her biotics resemble force-like abilities and she's older then everyone here. Hell…she's older than all of us put together." As an afterthought, he nodded in her direction, "No offense."

With a slight smile, the asari bowed her head in quiet acknowledgement.

Amused, Lakota smirked, "Wouldn't she be better as Yoda then?"

Samara's eyes narrowed sharply, and Shepard swore she heard the Justicar mentally debating whether or not that was a Code breaking offense.

Jacob abruptly stood up and spat, "And who am I supposed to be? The token black man?"

Kasumi, who had walked over the soldier, gave him a drink. The crew's mute response was a silent affirmation.

An aggravated Jacob downed his drink in one swig, and then voiced his opinion, "Great. Not only is he a chump when dealing with Vader, he is the 'stand in' when Han is gone. Hell, he even dresses like Han at the end. What's _**with**_ those vests?"

Joker stepped out of Chakwas shadow to retaliate, "Hey! Solo is super-slick! And a stellar pilot. Not to mention, he got the girl!"

"He also got his ass frozen solid," quipped Garrus.

"Well…still…he had a cool outfit." It was hard for the crew to take the pilot seriously because he was dressed identically to Han Solo.

"Where did you get that hideous vest, Jeff?" questioned Chakwas.

"What? This old thing? I borrowed it from the commander…"

All eyes shifted to Lakota who shrugged her shoulders and returned their gazes with a Solo-esque, sheepish grin.

"Hah," snickered Garrus, "you did have a crush on Solo!"

"Laugh it up, fuzz ball!"

"Shepard, I don't have fur."

"Doesn't matter. It was a good line."

Miranda piped in, "What about the princess, prima donna, Leia? All she does is order people around and pose for the camera. It's insulting to women."

Under his breath, Joker murmured, "That's like the pot calling the kettle black."

"And where are all the women?" Kasumi astutely inquired. She mysteriously flashed to the bar, refilled Jacob's glass, and then flashed back to hand it to him, "Seems to me, the female population is vastly under represented."

"And why is the black man the only traitor?" whined Jacob.

"Drink up, baby, you'll feel better," soothed Kasumi, her eyes undressing the muscular soldier.

Oblivious to the attention, he downed the drink.

With a slight slur to her words, Tali observed, "Did anyone elssse notice alllll of the helmeted indiv…individ…people were evil? Storm troopers, Vaderrrrr, the bounty hunter, Boba Feta."

Lakota corrected the stim-drunk engineer, "That's Boba Fett, Tali."

"Not the point…"

Mordin stood near the observation window in a hyper-flurry of mental activity. Attempting to decipher the physics of a Jedi's signature weapon, he speed mumbled, "Saber of light. Theoretical impossibility. Light unstoppable. More likely solution: plasma. Magnetic field for required containment. Need small localized power source…"

Dr Chakwas lounged in a comfortably, cushy chair reviewing the movie, "A superb sequel with no viable beginning or ending. A melancholy film that plummets the viewer into darkness and despair while being morally and emotionally ambiguous. Resonating with a mythic quality, it also has no triumphant ending. Overall assessment: enthralling!"

Tali reminisced fondly, "The _Millennium Falcon _remindssss me of the sshipssss in the Flotilla…" Giggling, she added, "Alwayssss breaking down…"

Shepard looked around the room and inquired, "Has anyone seen, Kelly? I thought for sure she'd be here."

* * *

Standing at her work terminal, Kelly re-read her private messages.

_To: Kelly Chambers_

_From: Miranda Lawson_

_Vid night in the Communications Room has been cancelled. It will be rescheduled at a later date._


	3. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

The third vid, in the original Star Wars trilogy, was viewed inside Miranda Lawson's office. Furniture had been rearranged, a small couch added and pillows tossed on the floor to accommodate everyone… except Legion, who opted to stand elusively in a corner.

"Shepard-Commander's negotiation success rate would improve by 77.9 percent, if she acquired a protocol droid."

"Hear that, Commander?" Joker, who was seated on the couch, saw his opportunity to undercut the geth and took it, "Legion is questioning your diplomacy skills?"

Attempting to correct the pilot, Legion sputtered, "We did not specifically indicate…"

"S'okay, Legion," Garrus, who was leaning against a wall, jumped into the conversation, "you bring up a good point. Hey…Shepard…if someone kidnapped your friends, what would you do?"

"Shoot 'em," Lakota deadpanned without hesitation.

"And if someone tried to take over the galaxy, what would you do?"

"Shoot 'em."

"And if someone tried to kill all of your singing, teddy bear allies?"

"That's easy: shoot 'em."

"I take it back, Legion. You're full of crap. Shepard's negotiation skills are excellent."

Excitement radiated from Joker as he exclaimed, "That's it! I'm gonna build an extranet site that says 'W.W.S.D.?' Ya know… 'What Would Shepard Do?' You in, Commander?"

"Shoot 'em."

"Riiiigghhhht," rolling his eyes, Joker turned his attention to Grunt who was sitting on a floor pillow, petting a small, plush Ewok.

Bested by his curiosity, Joker asked, "Grunt…what's with the carebear?"

Grunt held up the stuffed Ewok, and proudly proclaimed, "They are small, but they fight well!"

Incredulous, Joker mumbled to himself, "Uh-huh…I don't believe it. A big ass, scary krogan all gaga about a cuddly-wuddly, baby bear."

Seated next to Lakota on the floor, Tali angrily whispered, "Shepard, you told me this wasn't going to be another droid infested vid!"

Lakota slyly smirked, "What I told you was true…from a certain point of view."

Tali punched the commander…_hard_…in the arm.

Replaying certain scenes in his head, Jacob comfortably leaned back into the couch, and blurted out, "The princess was looking _fine _in this vid."

Kasumi viciously glowered at the daydreaming soldier who sat next to her.

Joker, who was on the other side of Kasumi, confirmed, "She was smoking hot in that gold plated bikini. Got an extranet site that's 'All Leia, All the Time,' if you want the link…"

His mandibles clacking, Garrus added, "Yes…her waist was…very supportive."

Joining the group, Thane coyly praised, "She was inventive when she ended Jabba's life."

"She fought well, but she is not krogan," remarked the Ewok-infatuated Grunt as he continued to admire the small battle-bear.

Exasperated, Kasumi pointed out, "Anyone else remember that the princess kissed her brother? On the lips! Eewwww!"

"You wanna know who was sexy…," standing next to Miranda's desk, Jack waited until all eyes were on her, then continued, "…Vader… He had a dead, sexy voice."

"Dead is right. Dude was more machine then man," jeered Joker, heedlessly.

The heat of Jack's venomous glare penetrated through the back of the pilot's head when he realized who he had mocked.

Quickly raising his hands in a defensive posture, Joker attempted to verbally back step, "Hey…but who am I to judge. It's cool. Ya know…if you're into that sorta thing."

Lakota mused, "I have to go with the twi'lek dancing girl. Blue, flexible, great body…"

Garrus said, "You're interest in asari is showing, Commander."

"Garrus…who _isn't _interested in asari?"

From her seated position on the floor pillow, Samara advised, "It is not wise to sexually objectify a race of beings."

"Humans do it all the time. It's called stereotyping."

Seeing the Justicar's haughtily raised eyebrow, Lakota feebly conceded, "But I get your point…"

Zaeed, clearly in an agitated mood, stood and paced the floor, "No self-respecting smuggler would have freely joined the rebel fleet to face off against some unknown evil like the Emperor. Just wouldn't happen."

All eyes looked questioningly at the merc who joined Lakota's crew to fight the Collectors.

"Hey…I am being _**paid**_ to hang with you bottom feeders."

To no one in particular, Legion matter-of-factly stated, "We calculated 548 blaster shots fired and 537 blaster shots that missed their target."

"Calibrations…" Garrus disapprovingly shook his head and muttered, "They could learn a few things about calibrations."

Deep in thought, Mordin questioned aloud, "Skywalker training. Not Jedi before. Now Jedi. Too quick. Accelerated schooling? Fast track vocational? Advanced course-work? Study at home option?..."

Sitting in her desk chair, Miranda swept her arms in a wide arch, as if physically throwing her words in the open air, and spat, "First, it's '_reach out with your feelings_,' and then it's '_bury your feelings deep_ _down_.' No wonder they were down to one bloody Jedi! Enough with the touchy-feely crap! Get your shit together and get on with it."

Continuing her rant on the more emotional side of things, the former Cerberus officer said, "And how many times did they have a '_funny_ _feeling_' about something? Or have a '_bad feeling_' about something else?"

Sheepishly, Lakota admitted, "I say that all of the time."

Ignoring the commander, Miranda finished her monologue, "What the hell does it take before they focus on something other than how they _**feel**_?"

Still sitting comfortably on Miranda's desk, Jack hissed, "Ya know, the Emperor talked way too much. If he'd kept his trap shut, Luke would have turned. Another example of rambling idiot in power!"

Perplexed, Lakota quickly turned to Tali and quizzed, "Should I take that personally?"

Still miffed, Tali growled, "Yes."

Miranda, working off of Jack's comment, spouted her disbelief, "And would the Emperor have really leaked _accurate_ plans to destroy the death star? Really? Really?"

Caught up in the moment, Jack iterated her annoyance, "And then the scene where Luke was dragging Vader to the shuttle? What the hell? Use the force, ya freak show!"

The two women froze, and then looked at each other questioningly. Shock and bewilderment flashed across their faces when they realized their verbal team-up. Shaking their heads at the ludicrous idea, they both, in perfect synchronization, mumbled "Nahhhhhh…."

Garrus caught Thane's attention and remarked, "Remember when Luke grabbed Leia, and they swung from Jabba's barge to the gun ship?"

Thane melodiously replied, "Yes."

Pleased with himself, Garrus praised, "I saved a girl like that once."

"Impressive," commented Thane, and then he surreptitiously added, "I saved two…at the same time."

Catching the war of egos, Lakota rolled her eyes, and then razzed the turian and drell, "Geez…I'm out of it a little while and everyone gets delusions of grandeur."

Samara stood, and all eyes looked to her expectantly, but she remained silent.

Intrigued, Lakota asked, "So…no comment about how your Code would have you killing them all?"

Aloofly, Samara explained, "I saw no need to restate the obvious."

Offhandedly, Kasumi pondered, "Is it just me? Or in a few months time did the main characters really seem to age ten years?"

The whole room nodded in agreement.

During the scene when the Ewoks worshipped C-3P0 as a deity, Tali almost passed out. Thankfully, her bio suit regulated her oxygen flow, and automatically flushed some stims in her system. Still shaken by the experience, she gravely muttered, "I liked it better when the golden droid was shot in pieces."

Lakota shrugged her shoulders, "That's better than being spaced."

Tali turned and slugged the commander in the arm…_harder_ than before.

Shocked by the physical abuse, Lakota bellowed, "What? I can tell you from experience; it's _not_ a fun time."

Once again, the whole room nodded in mutual agreement.

"Is it a requirement that all co-pilots are inarticulate aliens?" questioned Joker.

No one in the room had an answer.

Innocently, Lakota queried, "EDI, what do you think?"

In response, a low bead of static-filled, white noise cut through the room.

Sighing heavily, a deep scowl indented Jacob's face.

Concerned, Kasumi asked, "What's wrong, Jake?"

Jacob brooded, "Am I the only one who noticed that the black man was the _only_ one dancing at the end?"

"Rhythm, baby. Even back then, it was all about rhythm," placated Kasumi.

"So…let me get this straight…the whole trilogy was about the redemption of Vader?" Annoyance radiated off Jack like tidal wave. "Lame."

Falling in line with Jack's train of thought, Miranda snipped, "Yes. The whole premise of the movie was far-fetched, at best. And…anyway…_**who**_ believes a small band of bloody, pathetic rebels could stop the eminent overthrow of the galaxy?"

A quiet lull enveloped the room as everyone pensively looked at each other.

Looking to her left, then to her right, Lakota adorned her award-winning smile, and then slowly raised her hand high in the air, as if to say, "Me!"

* * *

Medical Bay

"Doctor, is it absolutely necessary for me to have my annual physical? _Now_? I'm missing vid night with the crew."

An amused sparkle twinkled in Chakwas' eyes, as she mischievously questioned, "What's more important, Ms Chambers? Your health or light entertainment?"

Furrowing her brows together, the Yeoman could only utter, "Hmmphhhh…"


	4. The Matrix

**Author's Note:  
**  
Thank you for all of the feedback! I love hearing what made the piece funny to you and/or made you "lol." Plus it's nice to know I'm not the only one out there with a wacky sense of humor. Or if you feel you don't have one, at least you're easily amused.

I've noted all of the current review requests, and will continue to tally others as they are voiced. Serenity, Underworld and Batman Begins are next on the list (though not necessarily in that order.)

I am still without a beta reader, so apologies for any missed grammatical errors.

Thanks for reading! Hope you continue to enjoy!

Now…as they say in the movie biz, "ACTION!"

* * *

The Matrix

Vid night was held in the unusually small space of the crew quarters, but beds had been rearranged and tables moved to make space for everyone. The picture window that normally housed a panoramic view of the FTL drive was covered by an impromptu vid screen. Kasumi had graciously donated her latest accrual, a priceless Egyptian tapestry. No one mentioned those details to Samara.

As the vid credits rolled, Lakota was the first to stand. Visibly shivering, she shook her whole body, head to toe, as if ants were swarming on her skin. "YEE-AHH! Was anyone else freaked out by the way they rebuilt Neo's atrophied muscles? Yea gods, it was like a bad dream!"

Tali leaned back into her chair, finally feeling as though she'd gotten her due for all the sentient AI vids Lakota made her watch. This vid was no exception, but the fact that the commander was unsettled made the quarian happy. A smug smile emanated through her visor as she chided, "Awww… Was Shepard upset by a little physical reconstruction?"

Calculating the time and cost in her head, Miranda noted, "There is no way they could have done all that on their ship. It would have taken months! And the creds needed...! Do you have any idea the cost of such an undertaking? I do. It's bloody expensive."

Lakota rolled her eyes, "Oh hell…it _**was**_ a bad dream."

"Hey, Shepard!" Grinning ear to ear, Jacob baited, "Why couldn't you have been more like Neo when you woke up? You know…friendly…"

"I don't recall seeing any mechs after Neo's ass, but hey, next time I am prematurely woken from a medical coma, I'll make sure to wear a smile."

Miranda decided to join Jacob in his teasing, "At least you had clothes on, Commander."

"Go to hell, Miranda."

"Ouch…Touchy, touchy, Shepard," laughed the former Cerberus Soldier.

"Hey, Jacob. Do me a favor. Go find the nearest airlock, and then let yourself out."

Joker, with his curiosity piqued, blatantly asked, "Do you think The Illusive Man saw this vid before he got the idea to rebuild you?"

Not amused in the slightest, Lakota narrowed her disapproving gaze at the pilot.

"Uhhhh…sorry, Commander. Thinking aloud. Won't happen again."

"That's highly unlikely," quipped Garrus.

Attempting to change the subject, Joker stood up and gushed, "So…I gotta say, that opening sequence was HOT! Miranda-esque, skintight leathers and Kasumi-like, Jedi moves…TA-DAH! TRINITY!"

Jacob openly appraised Kasumi, and then confirmed, "Oh, YEAH! That's my girl!"

"Trinity…," muttered Garrus. He was deep in thought, and upon shaking his head, he grumbled, "I know that voice…"

A perplexed look formed on Lakota's face as she agreed, "Yeah… so do I. But who?"

When their individual gazes locked onto each other, an imaginary, "idea-light-bulb" exploded, and they voiced in unison, "Aria!"

Irritated, Jack was savagely pacing the floor, "Does there always have to be a fuckin' love story? What the hell? And she's only got the balls to declare her love when the fucker's dead?"

"It's a new take on the sleeping beauty motif," offered Miranda.

"You _**are**_ a fuckin' cheerleader! Well, cheer on this: If the Oracle hadn't told her that she would fall in love with '_The One'_, and if Morpheus hadn't told Trinity that Neo was '_The One'_, she wouldn't have thought twice about screwing him."

Everyone around the room nodded and some mumbles of "good point" could be heard.

As the discourse between crew members continued, another interaction was growing. An invisible combat zone had emerged between the spiritual, asari Justicar and the soulful, drell assassin. And what began as a silent battle of visual wills, more commonly known as a staring contest, soon turned verbal.

Standing inches from each other, almost nose to nose, Samara threw down the first verbal gauntlet, "There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path."

Wincing as though he'd been backhanded, Thane countered, "Don't think you are; know you are."

Samara deftly parried with, "It's the question that drives you."

"Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony," returned Thane…and so started their quotation skirmish.

Tali, who was still perversely pleased by Shepard's initial freak-out, pondered human nature, "Why are humans so obsessed with malefic AIs? Machines using humans to survive. That's not irony, that's sadism. The humans who thought this up should have been incarcerated …"

Grunt stood up and declared to nobody in particular, "What are those things called 'cookies'? I want one."

Distracted by the outburst, Tali keenly observed, "Cookies could have been a metaphor for the tagging programs found in extranet browsers."

Mordin was pacing furiously, his mind rummaging over the words of Agent Smith, "Humans like disease. Like cancer. Like plague. Need to map contamination factors."

"Actually," Doctor Chakwas offered, "he said humans were like a virus."

"Yes. Implications unpleasant. Primitive. Antibiotic research required."

"Like your genophage _research_?"

Hearing the medical doctor's disdainful undertones, Mordin commented, "Krogan rebellion bloody; dangerous. Nearly as bad as rachni attacks. All species evolve, adapt, mutate. If genophage weakens, need to be prepared. Should reconsider outlook."

"I took a Hippocratic Oath," Chakwas remarked hotly, "not hypocritical."

Still on a biological, thought-provoked roller-coaster, Mordin pondered aloud, "Virus. Yes, yes, yes. Not accurate. No, no, no. Better analogy. Multi-cellular organism. Parasite. Destroy for consumption, not replication."

"Now you're saying humans are parasitic beings?" spouted a flustered Chakwas.

"Similarity exists. Yes."

Narrowing her eyes, the medical doctor countered, "Parasites are very sophisticated, highly evolved, and very successful, as reflected in their diversity. In fact, I would say that humans may be parasites, but we're not very good ones. Successful parasites do a very good job of balancing: using up their hosts and keeping them alive."

"Hmmmm…good point." For a moment, Mordin stopped thinking. But just for a moment. Actually, it was less than a moment.

Stepping out of the corner, Legion declared, "We agree with the professor's parasitic observation."

"Keelah!" exclaimed Tali, "Like he needs encouragement. You know, geth actions are not too far removed from that of humans."

"Geth do not emulate humans."

"Nice N7 armor."

"Geth do not intentionally emulate humans."

Interrupting the engineer and infiltrator's debate, Joker noted, "Is it me or did those sentinels look a lot like collector heads: all buggy-eyed and big?"

Jacob expressed his opinion, "Would have been cool if the agents said something like 'assuming direct control' before taking over a body."

"And what about Smith cracking his knuckles and joints all the time?" challenged the pilot. "That was lame."

"I don't know. It's worked for me," remarked Lakota.

"Nah...it's crap. _**THIS**_ is the part I love," shaking his body as if to get into character, Joker lowered his voice and intoned, "Would you please remove any metallic items you may be carrying: keys, loose change... BEEP! …Holy Shit!"

Amused by his own antics, the pilot nodded in self-satisfied approval, "OH YEAH! Now that's fantastic cinema!"

In a choreographed dance of wills, Samara and Thane made their way around the room. Eyes never blinking, never leaving each other's locked scrutiny, they stubbornly pursued their verbal jousting match. Neither gave an inch of ground.

"Everything that has a beginning has an end," rallied Samara.

"I can only show you the door," rebuked Thane, "You are the one that has to walk through it."

"There is no spoon."

"Ignorance is bliss."

Samara raised her eyebrow quizzically at the rather trite expression.

Shrugging his shoulders, Thane sheepishly admitted, "I panicked."

Garrus' attention was focused, as if calibrating the ship's shields. He looked up and queried to the group, "Does anyone know how Cypher got in the Matrix alone?"

Nobody had an answer, but Zaeed had a comment, "Cypher sneezed. Didn't anyone think it was suspicious? He'd been doing this for _nine years_, he knows he's not breathing air! Delusional jackasses!"

"I think he looks like a gopher," remarked Kasumi.

Interrupting the focus on Cypher, Garrus admired, "I gotta admit. That was an excellent fight scene between Neo and Smith."

Smiling to herself, Miranda teased, "Shepard, is that what it was like when you boxed with the Shadow Broker?"

"I can neither confirm nor deny the fact that I may have gotten my ass kicked around."

Miranda looked to Garrus for support.

The turian shook his head, "Hey…don't look at me. I was knocked out cold."

Mordin had shifted his mental montage from biological to technical, "EMP effective tool. Most species immune. Shepard unknown quantity. Cybernetic meltdown. Chancy."

Lakota caught the last few words of Mordin's rambling, "_**What**_**?**"

"Who is this 'Nokia' named on all of those irritating ringing devices?" wondered Grunt aloud. "Does he fight?"

"Shepard," Zaeed was leaning against the wall, cleaning his fingernails with a knife blade, "why don't you have a more impressive arsenal? I want to get my hands on that Gatling gun."

Finally feeling like she could accurately describe her encounter while shutting down Project Overlord, Lakota excitedly proclaimed, "Hey! You know the last part of the vid, when Neo is able to see the Matrix in its coded format, that's what I saw when I went up against David at Atlas Station."

"Shepard," dismissed Tali, "stop exaggerating,"

"But I'm not!" whined Lakota.

"Stop it!"

Jacob scanned the room, taking in everyone's attire. It dawned on him that each member of the crew changed their look after Lakota helped them out of a personal jam, so he decided to share his insight, "Hey…any of you notice that we all changed into leather outfits for Shepard?"

Backing him up, Kasumi added, "Yeah. Like we're awake now and sporting black and red leather is a symbol of that shift in consciousness. At least no one opted to grease back their hair."

"The only person who would have trouble blending in the Matrix would be Jack. Too many tats showing on that skin."

"Hey, boy scout!"

Turning around Jacob inquired, "Yeah?"

"Dodge this!" Jack proceeded slam him with biotically enhanced, right-hand uppercut to the chin.

Jacob was out cold.

Vid night was officially over.

* * *

_Before the movie:_

Kelly Chambers headed to the crew quarter for vid night. Upon reaching the door, she noticed a small table to the right of the entryway. On it was a glass of water, a blue pill, a red pill and a note. The note on the table read:

_This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes._

_After the movie:_

Kelly was still passed out in the corridor. She couldn't decide, so she'd taken both pills.


	5. The Dark Knight

**Author's Notes: **

I leapt over "Batman Begins" because the requests for "The Dark Knight" surpassed it with bat-flying colors.

Also, I feel I should note that what may look like "Kelly hate" isn't necessarily the case. Things are not always as they appear. What I will tell you is this: someone in the crew feels justified in their actions. You (as the reader) will find out the details at a later time. 'Nuff said.

Thanks for reading and thank you very much for taking time to review! Feedback is motivating!

Now… on with the show!

* * *

The Dark Knight

The next vid extravaganza took place in the Starboard Observation room which was currently inhabited by the resident asari Justicar. As happens to be the case with these virtuous warriors, they don't possess a lot of _stuff_. To accommodate the extra assemblage, floor pillows (aka: bean bags), a leather couch (Miranda pouted) and a lazy boy (Zaeed's favorite) had been fetched for the evening's wingding.

Joker stood as soon as the final credits rolled and, bringing his fingers to his lips, whistled a shrill whistle of the damned. "Before anyone has any smart ass comments," he vehemently insisted, "my name did** NOT **come from this vid!"

"The Joker MADE the movie!" bellowed Lakota from her placement on the leather couch.

"Hey," the Normandy's Joker acknowledged, "don't get me wrong, the Joker was pretty cool. Ya know…if you like the sociopathic, psychotically deranged sycophants."

"He was just a guy of simple tastes: dynamite, gunpowder and gasoline," commented Garrus from one of the bean bags. "Sounds like you Zaeed!"

"Yeah, well…he was one destructive sonofabitch, I'll give you that. But," sneered Zaeed from his lazy boy, "he was too stuck on his knives. Pun intended. Jessie, my shitty old rifle, would have blown his ass out the airlock."

Samara was sitting on the floor in what resembled the yoga "lotus" pose: legs crossed with feet resting on thighs; back straight; hands resting, palms up, on knees.

Grunt was seated on the floor next to her, attempting to emulate the Justicar's meditational posture. Transferring his attention to the conversation, he ill-temperedly expressed, "He called himself an agent of chaos. Said he wouldn't know what to do with a plan. But all of his actions required great planning. He lied. He was weak."

"Some men just want to watch the world burn. Yeah…," advocated Jack with a self-satisfied grin, "I can get behind that." Leaning against the wall, she smugly crossed her arms while noting the startled looks throughout the room.

"Yes," Grunt concurred, "he blew things up. I liked that."

"Or how about, 'Whatever doesn't kill you simple makes you…stranger…'?" Garrus made sure Lakota had eye contact before goading, "Shepard, I believe that you resemble that remark."

Without a sound, Lakota lifted up her right hand, balled in a fist, and then slowly raised her middle finger.

"The Gotham PD didn't have a lot of IQ to go around," noted the Normandy pilot, "I mean…hey, the Joker had just caused massive death in Gotham, he's the most dangerous criminal **EVER**, and had fought the Batman to a standstill; so let's leave him in an interrogation room with a single, fat, middle-aged unarmed cop, because, hey, what could go wrong? We'll do that instead of, oh, I don't know, _**locking the goddamn door**_!"

"The Joker was acutely disturbing. Not only on a visual level, but in his ravenous thirst for disorder." Shaking her head, Chakwas shifted in her bean bag to look directly at Lakota and questioned, "You ever encounter anyone that unstable, Commander?"

"Only one," muttered Lakota, "Udina."

Rankled, Grunt challenged, "What was that thing on Gordon's lip? It moved on its own."

"It's a moustache, Grunt," explained Jacob, "I have one."

"No…you have pubescent growth."

Samara moved into the 'shoulder stand" pose: legs straight in the air; toes pointed to the ceiling; body being held upright by arms which were braced on the floor with hands placed in supportive position on the back; shoulders, neck and head were also on the floor acting as the foundation.

"Again with the fucked up love story!" roared Jack, "She said 'yes', but only when it was clear that one of them was going to die!" Shrugging her shoulders, she conceded, "It's one hell of a way to stay commitment free."

"There's something romantic about falling for the tragic hero," Chakwas revealed wistfully.

"I can't believe she'd dismiss Bruce Wayne over Dent," Miranda protested with an irritated huff. "She said no to him because she thought he was unstable…well, look at who she decided to marry!"

Chakwas looked up from her bean bag and pointed out, "Genius and madness."

"Hell," pronounced Jack, "that makes the Joker the prize bitch."

"What took him off the table?" challenged Miranda.

Narrowing her eyes with wickedly mischievous glare, Jack stated flatly, "Nothing."

Nobody knew if she was being serious or just stirring the pot. And nobody wanted to know the answer.

"That Bat-vehicle has some impressive gadgets. Made me miss the Mako," disclosed Tali with a nostalgic sigh. She turned to Lakota, who was sitting next to her on the couch, and asked, "Why did we ever get rid of it?"

"Yeah," Garrus added, "when it flipped around in the tunnels of Gotham, and then it landed on its wheels…that was just like the Mako rolling down a mountain. Those were good times."

Lakota, shrugging her shoulders, offered up, "I'm not really sure. I read a report on clunky controls or some such thing."

"Actually," interjected Miranda, "they called it 'The Tumbler' in the movie. But in the comic books, it was called the Batmobile."

"Waitaminute, waitaminute, waitaminute!" exclaimed Joker. Pointing his right index finger at the former Cerberus Officer, he accusingly shrieked, "_**YOU **_know about Batman?"

"I've read a few graphic novels."

"Hey, check it out," razzed Jack, "the cheerleader is a closet, comic geek."

Ignoring Jack's attempt at baiting, Miranda explained, "Batman possesses a certain, darkly intense 'je ne sais quoi' that I like. And he's bloody rich."

Completely flabbergasted, Joker whined, "But…but…" After a moment of brooding, a variety of suggestive, leather-clad images clicked in his head and the pilot changed his tune, "But…but…that is SO HOT!"

"Wait…let me guess…" hinted Garrus sarcastically, "in the comics, he wore a 'batsuit', right? And those throwing discs were called what?...'batarangs'?"

"How does his cape not get caught in the wheel of his little batcycle?" wondered Tali aloud.

"Actually, they called it the 'Bat-pod' in the movie," corrected Miranda.

Lakota raised her hand as if to say "my turn," and then ridiculed, "I've got one major issue…So Batman goes flying off the roof to save Rachel, but what did 'the agent of chaos', the Joker, do after they left? Did he shrug his shoulders and say, oh well, can't find Dent, let's leave? And what did Batman say to himself? I saved the girl, let those Richie-riches _at __**MY**__ party_ fend for themselves?"

Shaking his head, Garrus jealously muttered, "Damn...dual identity. Why didn't I think of that?"

"Why do all 'heroes' feel the need to stitch themselves up?" quizzed Chakwas. "Save the 'big and bad' routine and let the trained professionals do their job. Save the galaxy some bandages."

Garrus and Lakota's eyes locked in confusion. Lakota's eyebrow rose questioningly, and then silently, they both pointed a finger at each other, as if to say "is she talking about _you_?"

"Batman's voice was goddamn irritating." Having moved from the lazy boy, Zaeed settled in his new spot, poised on his feet with his back against the wall. The merc took out his pistol, lining up its site before continuing, "A cross between a buzz saw and death dirge is what I say. Swallow the furball and get on with the mayhem."

"Batman's voice, not sexy," confirmed Jack. "Jumping off of buildings and beating people to a pulp, that's sexy."

Shaking her head, Tali mumbled to herself, "There are some seriously unstable members on this crew."

Standing up to stretch, Jacob offered, "I always wanted to be Wolverine."

Rolling her eyes, Miranda brusquely informed the soldier of his faux pas, "That's an entirely different universe, Jacob. Batman is DC and Wolverine is Marvel."

Raising his hands in a defensive posture, Jacob slowly stepped away, "Whoa…okay…staying away from that one."

Exasperated, Miranda drilled, "Well, if you're going to pick a superhero to emulate, at least stay in the correct universe. Superman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, Nightwing, Black Canary, The Flash…all DC."

Defending Jacob, Kasumi retorted, "Okay, Miranda…now you're officially getting creepy."

"Although he was pitted against the know laws of his time, Batman had his own code- much like an asari Justicar," educated Samara soothingly. The Justicar was now in the "cobra" pose: thighs, knees and tops of feet lying on the floor, palms on the floor lifting her upper body, arms straight, back being stretched as it curves like a cobra head.

"Hold on a sec…," Joker blurted in disbelief, "does that mean you wouldn't kill him?"

"I would be dismayed to do so."

"Hot DAMN! That's good enough for me!" hooted the pilot, "You owe me twenty, Jacob!"

Shifting to the "peacock" pose: hands on the floor, elbows against abdomen holding up the rest of the body, which was parallel to the floor; the Justicar turned her head and glared haughtily.

"Hey! Don't get any ideas. This is legal betting!" In a highly agitated panic mode, Joker tossed out his last-ditch effort, "Tell her, Shepard!"

"His code was a bunch of maudlin crap," stomped Zaeed, still inspecting the pistol.

Thane, relaxing on the couch, interjected, "The focus on not killing is an honorable one."

"Bullshit. He was a whiny jackass who ended up breaking his own code by killing Two-face."

Grunt agreed, "He lacked commitment."

Seeing a potential skirmish, Garrus quickly interceded, "Dent got a hell of a lot more interesting after he'd become Two-face."

"What the hell though," growled Jack. "Who **didn't** pick up on the foreshadowing when he said 'you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain'. _Screw you_ is what I would've told him!"

Mordin stepped out of his introspection long enough to make a observation, "Gotham underworld reminiscent of Omega. Crime, disease, well-dressed bosses."

Leaning over to talk with Thane privately, Garrus conjectured, "So, do you think Shepard is a Dark Knight or a White Knight?"

"Is there a grey option?" replied the assassin, "She is better suited for grey."

"I don't know," concluded the turian, "I've never been good with grey."

"So…who was Shepard sleeping with…Alenko or Williams?" Jacob asked Kasumi the question under his breath, so Lakota wouldn't overhear.

"No, you got it all wrong," whispered the thief. "She's been with Liara the whole time. Although, I heard Alenko had the hots for her."

"And Alenko survived Virmire?"

"Yeah."

"Well…that answers 'save Rachael or Harvey' question."

"At least there was no AI in this vid," relief was palpable in Tali's tone.

"That's not exactly true," Miranda remarked. "The sonar electronic system in the movie heralds the coming of 'Brother Eye', an autonomous AI dedicated to monitoring meta-humans."

"Keelah… I should have guessed as much."

Mordin perked up at this knowledge, "Sonar keyed on primitive communication device. Insufficient output. Current application possible. Personal language translators viable source. Must research."

Over-hearing Mordin's ramblings, Legion divulged, "An interesting theory, professor. Although, the geth have attempted such infiltration with a four point two rate of success. Diversity of technology in addition to various frequency outputs created a non-standard structure from which to base formulations."

"Holy mascara, Batman!" jeered Lakota, who was still sitting on the couch, "The mayor wore more eyeliner than me!"

"More than Jeff has stubble, as well," quipped Chakwas from her bean bag.

A private coalition formed between the doctor and the commander as they quietly bantered between each other…

"Or Zaeed has guns," wisecracked Lakota.

"Or Garrus has sarcasm."

"Or Jack has issues."

"More than Tali watched 'Fleet and Flotilla'," chimed Chakwas.

"More than Samara has blue."

"Or Mordin has quirks."

"More than Grunt has boxes of 'Tastee Bites'," zinged Lakota.

"More than Jacob does stomach crunches."

"Or Kasumi has stolen…I mean, acquired goods."

"Or Legion has extranet gamer achievements."

"Or Thane has assassination moves."

"Or I have grey hair," finished the doctor.

"More than Miranda has…" Lakota put her hands in front of her chest indicating a more voluptuous volume than her own frame supported.

As Samara continued through her arsenal of meditational postures, her group of admirers grew. Jacob, Garrus and Thane were whisked into the visual web of Justicar statuesque poise and grace. She was now in the "standing forward bend" pose: feet on the floor, body bent at the waist, head touching knees, hands holding onto ankles.

"She's definitely got you beat on flexibility Garrus," ogled Jacob.

"I think you can add reach to the list as well," admired Thane.

Garrus only nodded appreciatively in agreement.

"Hey…," curious, Lakota inquired, "who picked out this movie anyway? And where is Kelly? She was so excited about vid night."

* * *

**_Before the movie_:**

_Kelly Chambers' bed:_

Kelly Chambers was curled up in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, on her bed; she'd just finished reading her personal messages.

_Miranda Lawson's office:_

On the monitor screen was the vid night invite message sent to Kelly Chambers. The body of the message contained the name of the movie, time and place of the event, and a large profile picture of the main antagonist: The Joker.

Lying on the Miranda's desk was Kelly's Cerberus psych profile. A highlighted phrase stood out from the report- "Kelly has a severe case of coulrophobia: an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns."


	6. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

**Author's Note:**

Many thanks to those who have fav'd, alerted and reviewed this ongoing fic! It's fantastic to know sarcasm is alive and well in the universe of bits and bytes!

Review suggestions are always welcome (I'm keeping a running tally)!

I hope you enjoy the show!

* * *

Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan

In the preparation for vid night, the affectionately named "Flotilla Furniture"; various floor pillows, Zaeed's lazy boy, and the sofa from Miranda's office, had been moved into the armory. Mordin generously donated two bottles of salarian moonshine, distilled in his lab and refuted to be consumable by all, for the soiree and Kasumi brought the popcorn. Grunt brought his economy box of Fishdog Food Factory "Tastee Bites," but everyone carefully passed up on the offer to try them.

After the vid credits rolled and the lights came on, Lakota Shepard was the first to lambaste the science fiction opera. Sitting on the couch, she threw both hands in the air and challenged hotly, "Why is the Enterprise _**always **_the only ship in range? Didn't they just leave Earth?"

"Remember the days when Hackett would contact you and say the same thing, Commander?" smirked Joker. He was seated on one of the armory tables, swinging his legs and swaying to his own internal drumbeat.

"Yeah…," Lakota grumbled, "that seemed to happen in every new system we entered. I'm beginning to wonder if it was just a convenient plot device."

Tali sat forward in her blue bean bag, "The Reliant crew searched the entire Alpha Quadrant for a planet that was completely lifeless, and had no success? REALLY? We fly by one every day."

"We calculate an average rate of 1.56 uninhabited planetary masses passed each day…," Legion generously corrected.

"Why was there no warning on the Ceti Alpha system?" questioned Joker. With agitated and exaggerated hand gestures, he disparagingly bantered, "Like…oh…I don't know… 'Hey, by the way, the genetic superman who briefly ruled a quarter of Earth a few hundred years ago is stranded on one of these planets. Keep an eye out.'"

"Exactly," Tali further questioned, "why _**doesn't **_the Reliant know that Khan is exiled there?'

Jumping into the discussion, Thane added, "Starships use nav data to navigate star systems. Ceti Alpha 6 exploded, yet the helmsman or computer never noticed that there was one less planet in the system? I am unimpressed by their carelessness."

From the lotus position on the floor, Samara concurred, "I, too, find it difficult to comprehend the folly of not tallying each planet. I thought they were on a science vessel. Is that not what a scientist would do?"

"Ceti Alpha 5 is the exact same size and was conveniently blown into the exact same orbit that Ceti Alpha 6 used to have?" In earnest reverence, Garrus admired, "Now that's talented calibration."

Mordin lounged back in his purple bean bag. The puzzled look on his face contradicted his relaxed posture. "Khan-genetically engineered mad genius. Doubtful. Unless genius rated in human standard."

"Agreed," growled Zaeed from his lazy boy, "the simple concepts of 'up' and 'down' didn't occur to him when fighting in spaceship? Dimwitted jackass."

"Yes," allied Tali. "I am laughing at the so-called 'superior' intellect."

Standing up, as if posing her perfect form for all to see, Miranda haughtily stated, "He's a bad example of genetic engineering."

"I'll second that," affirmed Lakota from her seated position on the couch. Jacob was sitting in the middle of the 'flotilla sofa' with the commander to his right and Kasumi to his left.

"Toss me in there as well." The assenting opinion came from Jack, who was leaning on the wall, arms crossed in her trademark, defiant posture.

In uncertain disbelief, Lakota and Miranda shared a look between them. A look of quiet desperation that seemed to say, "You don't think, that she thinks, that she was…"

"_**WHAT**_?" the psychologically edged biotic sneered, "I'm just agreeing. It doesn't mean I'm part of your fucked-up, _'Guess How Many Creds It Took to Build Me'_ club."

"And what was up with Khan's hair and pecs?" inquired Kasumi. "Einstein meets the twentieth century icon, Fabio?" Seeing Jacob's scowl, Kasumi soothed, "He's got nothing on your abs, baby."

"For an older gentleman, Khan was extremely handsome," assessed Chakwas from her green bean bag.

"Much better than, Kirk," Miranda judged scathingly, "the bloody fool let himself go."

"I heard that he had to wear a girdle," snickered Lakota.

"Nah…that was just wild speculation," Joker interjected. "The official story is that he broke some ribs and needed his torso to be wrapped in a bandage."

"Sounds like a fucking girdle to me," muttered Jack.

Zaeed stretched into his lazy boy, a disgusted look on his face. "I thought Kirk was supposed to be some goddamn hero. I've met varren who whined less than him."

Legion was standing in the corner. Although his body was perfectly still, the flaps on his head were moving in a way that suggested confusion, "Shepard-Commander, this platform has an inquiry."

"What is it, Legion?"

"Our translation program failed when Spock and Saavik communicated in the vulcan dialect. Why?"

Taking the lead in the conversation, Kasumi gently explained, "It's a fake language, Legion."

"Fake?" The geth was quiet for a moment, flaps moving in reflection to the millions of calculations being processed, and then it asked, "How is it that _**they**_ understood each other?"

"They didn't. Not really. The language has no meaning at all. It's non-existent." The thief further clarified, "Even the words that they spoke to each other were gibberish."

As if that explanation resolved his mismatched computations, Legion stated, "We find this to be true of most organics."

Thane was standing in front of the weapon's locker admiring the varied arsenal and the beauty endowed in each piece. Casually, he remarked, "I find the use of subtitles perplexing."

"That's why we don't watch quarian vids," Garrus commentated, "they're all subtitled."

"They are not!" defended Tali crisply.

"How would you know? Your suit automatically translates audio inputs to the quarian language."

Turning her head towards the turian, she tempestuously warned, "I still have my shotgun."

"Maybe we'll talk later."

From their isolation on the sofa, Jacob and Kasumi quietly discussed the varying similarities of Star Trek species to the companions around them.

"Legion, or the geth specifically, could be related to the borg," Jacob softly noted.

"True," whispered Kasumi, "and the cardassians are a shoo-in for turians."

Jacob further hypothesized, "If you mixed the klingons and vidiians then you'd come out with a krogan."

Shepard picked up on the powwow and added, "Blend an andorian for the blue, a trill for the freckles and betazoid for the black eyes and telepathy… VOILA… instant asari!"

Shaking his head, his feet swinging wildly to the bottled up turmoil within, Joker blurted, "What was with the over-acting?" Throwing his head back and his hands in the air, he bellowed, "**KHAAN! KHAAAN!**"

"Yeah…that was some pretty thick cheese," cringed Lakota.

"Kinda sounded like you, Shepard, after I'd been blasted on Omega. Or at least what I imagined you sounded like…I was almost unconscious, after all."

"You were injured on Omega, Garrus? I hadn't noticed."

"Awww…come on. I saw you shed a tear."

"Yeah…because you fell on my foot."

"Nah…I bet EDI can pull up some video showing how broken up you were."

"Remember, Garrus," Lakota quipped, "revenge is a dish that is best served cold... and it is very cold in space."

"Ahem…right…let's drop it for now."

"Why is there so little to the role of the ship's computer on the Enterprise?" complained Joker. "No voice, no personality… just boring data entry and a joystick to drive the ship with. How corny is that?"

Stretching her legs one by one, Lakota pointed out, "The ship's computer doesn't have a huge role in this vid, but in the TV shows and other vids its role expands."

"Wait a minute, Shepard," cornered Tali, "you said this vid universe had no AIs! _**At**_ _**ALL**_!"

"Not exactly." Rolling her eyes in innocent avoidance, Lakota clarified, "What I said was _**this **_vid didn't have any sentient computers."

"Shepard!" Tali roared, "You lied!"

"No. I exaggerated."

"Why did they call her 'Mr. Saavik'?" pondered Thane. His thoughts were still lost in the mesmerizing entourage of weapons before him, "Was she transsexual?"

"No," answered Jacob hastily, "it was common practice, antiquated now, in the naval military to address those of subordinate rank as 'Mister', regardless of gender."

"Hey, Shep, when was the last time someone called you 'Mister'?" probed Kasumi, curiosity beaming in her eyes.

"Hey, Doc! You've seen my Alliance records, when was the last time I got suspended for hitting a superior officer?"

"Too often to keep track of, Commander," deadpanned Chakwas.

Angrily pacing, Grunt demanded, "What sort of battle armor was Kirk's offspring wearing?"

"That wasn't armor, Grunt," Lakota said with chagrin, "It was a sweater."

"Sweater?" spat the berserker krogan. "What purpose did it have around his neck, if not to protect him from attack?"

Lakota shrugged her shoulders as if to say_, "Yeah…I got nothing."_

"Is it me or do Scotty and our own Engineer Donnelly have more than a few things in common?" Tali proposed.

Garrus offered, "I'm wondering how Bones and our own doctor relate."

"I can assure you, Mr. Vakarian," the _Normandy _doctor venomously cautioned, "we don't."

"My problem," Miranda stated, "is with those MYSTERIOUS, mind controlling slugs. _How_ exactly do they make you susceptible to suggestion?"

"Easily answered. Need test subject," speculated Mordin. Thinking on things a little further, he notified, "Fictionalized vid. Collecting live specimen… problematic."

Ignoring the salarian's rambling, the former Cerberus officer elaborated, "And do the repulsive, little eels make you susceptible to _ANY_ suggestion? If so, that could be problematic."

"Right! Why don't Chekov and Terrell remain gullible once they beam back aboard the Reliant?" reasoned Joker. "I mean, someone gets pissed and says, 'Go fuck yourself, Terrell… hey, wait, what are you doing?'"

Ignoring the Normandy pilot's remarks, Miranda continued with her meanderings, "If no, then that means the stupefaction turns off after a few minutes. If that's the case, then why would Chekov and Terrell continue to follow Khan's commands?"

"Check it out, the cheerleader is getting analytical!" razzed Jack.

Ignoring the tattooed biotic's obvious jibe [Miranda was FOCUSED when she had a point to make], she matter-of-factly touted, "And when Khan inserts the freakish slug, he claims that it will make them susceptible to suggestion until the slug grows so big and the host dies. Why then does it leave Chekov's head randomly at _**just**_ the right time? Bloody convenient!"

The room nodded in a general consensus regarding the monstrous stretch of logic it took to believe in a mind controlling, desert slug.

"Spock's death was very moving." In a thoughtful mood, Chakwas further reflected, "His decision to sacrifice himself to save the _Enterprise_ from the Genesis Device explosion was reached using pure logic, and yet, at the same time, it was an act of pure selflessness."

Being of the same mind, Jacob piped in, "By using vulcan logic, Spock is able to do something that is nothing short of heroically human."

"Yeah, but when he was dying, Kirk didn't return his salute." Joker disgustedly scoffed, "Some friend."

"Hey," Jacob contended, "it's difficult to make that hand gesture."

"Bullshit. Who can't do the Vulcan hand greeting?" challenged Jack.

Garrus, Tali, Grunt, Legion and Mordin had it easy; they only had three digits on each hand. Kasumi, Jacob, Lakota, Joker and Chakwas were able to make the gesture with minimal effort. Zaeed refused, as did Jack...on principle. Observing Jack's actions, Miranda abstained, as well.

Sadly, Thane stood in a perplexed state. Having four digits, he could not properly make the sign.

Calling the drell out, Joker pointed to him and shouted, "LOO-ZAH!"

"Do you think the Vulcan mind-meld is like asari melding?" wondered Garrus aloud.

"No," rebuffed Samara adamantly.

"Why not? They imply it has similar characteristics."

Stepping into the conversation, Lakota answered for the Justicar. "Cuz it's just too creepy to think that Spock and Bones shared that kind of intimacy." Lakota visibly quivered.

Still in her statuesque, seated pose on the floor, Samara regally intoned, "I am intrigued with the vulcan custom to suppress or think past all emotional influence. The use of meditative techniques and training of mental discipline is similar to the discipline required of a justicar. By living lives of rigid, emotional self-control, they are in effect, living through a code. I find this…fascinating."

Zaeed snorted. "Remember, its logic that got the pointy-eared, jackass killed."

"The beginning and end of the film serve as a meditation on mortality and the passage of time," ruminated Chakwas thoughtfully, "Death, life and even rebirth are woven beautifully into this vid."

Her back straightening to extend her pose, Samara also noted, "And it offers unique wisdom: 'As a matter of cosmic history, it has always been easier to destroy than create.'"

"But what are they going to do now that Spock is dead? He was a vital component to the Star Trek legacy," whined Joker.

"They will adapt," reasoned Thane. Eyes still roving over the cache of weapons in front of him, he melodically philosophized, "How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life."

"Aptly put, Thane," Lakota said.

"But, Commander," Joker dubiously commented, "_you_ came back from the dead."

"Yeah…and what does that tell you, Mr. Moreau?...OORAH!" she exclaimed triumphantly.

Ruminating on the overarching dialogue, Thane lamented, "All of this speculation on death seems fraught with individual insecurities."

"Hey, haven't you figured it out yet?' stated Lakota auspiciously. "In science-fiction and soap operas you're never really dead."

"By the way, Miranda," queried Lakota, "you're in charge of invites, why isn't Kelly here?"

"Well, Shepard," smirked the genetically perfect biotic, "in the words of the great Commander Spock, 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few- or the one'."

* * *

_During the movie…_

Kelly Chambers headed toward the crew quarters for vid night, but as she came upon the door she noticed a sign:

_Fumigating the crew quarters, Vid night relocated to the Mess._

When she made it to the mess, another sign was discovered:

_Warning: E. coli outbreak. Vid night relocated to Engineering._

Arriving in Engineering, an additional sign was found:

_Environmental Hazard: Eezo leak in FTL drive. Vid night relocated to Med Bay._

Frustrated, she ushered her way to the Med Bay, but then stopped abruptly when she caught sight of yet another sign:

_Vid night is over. Live long and prosper._


	7. Underworld

**Author's Note:**

As many of you know, Dragon Age 2 is out. [*giddy laughter ensues*] That said, movie review updates may be a little less frequent…for a time. Just giving you fair warning.

Again…many thanks to those who have fav'd, alerted and reviewed this ongoing fic!

Review suggestions are always welcome.

Humor is just another defense against the universe. -Mel Brooks [Shepard knows this little tidbit well.]

ENJOY!

* * *

Underworld

Lakota Shepard's crew packed themselves into the Medical bay for this evening's vid fraternizations. In order to provide some privacy and darkness, the three large paned windows had been covered with Kasumi's collection of rare asari tapestry. To the thief's unvoiced relief, Samara didn't ask any probing questions about their accrual. The entry door had been locked and a temporary screen had been installed for the digital projection. The Flotilla furniture had been ushered into the large space with exception of the floor pillows (aka: high-tech bean bags.) Instead of loafing on the floor, the crew used the four, more-than-comfortable, medbeds.

Chilling in his lazy-boy, Zaeed sneered, "Vampires? Werewolves? I've met scarier things cleaning my gun!"

Thane stood, perfectly still, next to a covered window with his hands positioned in front of him, as if in studious prayer of the ancient drapery. Without moving he commented, "The style of the film was rather meretricious in capturing the essence of a dark noire environment."

"This vid is a Matrix rip-off!" challenged Tali from her perch on a medbed.

Lakota disagreed, "I don't think so. I got more of a gothic feel from it." She was leaning on Chakwas' desk. Since her 'resurrection', she had an irrational and, some say, intense dislike of medbeds.

"Our quarian engineer has a point, Commander. The rotary phone, the leather outfits…," contended Garrus. He stretched out on his medbed as though it was a lounge chair. "Not that I am complaining about the outfits."

"_OUR_ quarian…? What does…? Who are you…," Insulted by what seemed to be a demeaning remark, Tali badgered, "I was unaware we were being _categorized_. What does that make you, Garrus? Our turian vigilante?"

"Our 'good-looking, turian vigilante' will do."

"Keelah…" Tali muttered to herself, "…little mandible syndrome…,"

"Holy CRAP!" exclaimed Joker from the Flotilla sofa. "It would be BOH-RING to be a vamp. Cooped up in that mansion all day and constantly posing for Formax."

"You noticed that, too?" Chakwas was leaning back in her desk chair and stretching her legs out. "It seems that the life of a vampire, if you don't hunt Lycan, boils down to sitting on your proverbial rump all night, draped across furniture, and spending hundreds of years worth of evenings making small talk and sneering at each other."

"Miranda and Jack do that all of the time," razzed Joker. Adding to his commentary, he lifted both hands as if clawing the air in front of him, "…._hiss_sss….._hisssss."_

"What tactical purpose did the hissing serve?" Grunt asked. A perplexed frown creased his reptilian face. "Is it some form of battle cry?" He was positioned in front of the tapestry furthest away from the entry door. He touched it, and then analyzed its movement. To the innocent onlooker, it appeared as though he was trying to weaponize the fabric in his head.

"But it does give Selene some kind of motif while walking through the mansion," Lakota astutely observed. "They gathered to look at her in _awe_. Or they looked at her in _anger._ Or they looked at her as a _betrayer._ Or sometimes they just _looked_. That's an insanely dull afterlife!"

"Unlike you, Shepard," said Garrus. "You've had a very active afterlife."

Nodding her head, Lakota agreed, "Hell, yeah."

"Meh…An entire world was created and contained within a story told by the vampires: meaning that they would only tell, and we would only see, the world through their eyes." Kasumi's shoulders drooped despairingly as she sighed heavily, "A world of eternal darkness…whoopee."

Shifting the conversation back to the Matrix-Underworld comparison, Lakota pointed out, "There was no slow motion kung-fu in this vid, no bullet time effects…"

"I don't know, Shepard, Tali is on to something." Miranda argued, "Michael took up dead space…much like Neo. Both were dull on the screen and clueless in the vid."

"And yet, they somehow managed to get the good-looking girl," Jacob wistfully admired.

"Michael did look yummy," leered Kasumi.

"Not the brightest nuke in the box though," ridiculed Zaeed. "It was a GUN, not a lock pick, jackass!"

"But Selene…she was sleek and sexy!" panted Jacob.

Kasumi hotly dismissed the remark, "A Trinity rip-off!"

Interrupting their "we're not lovers but we act like it" tiff, Joker excitedly bellowed, "I don't care! She WAS hot! And that opening scene when she dropped from the tower to the ground… BAM! Nothing feathery or light about it. She hit solidly and it was freakin' fantastic!"

Legion stood next to the AI Core room door, slightly apart from the group, as if guarding it from interlopers. "It is an unlikely possibility that no organic witnessed the movement."

"Humans are usually oblivious to what goes on around them…unless it has to do with money or sex," said Jack shrewdly. She was on her feet, back leaning against the covered medbed, with arms defiantly crossed in front of her. _THE_ Jack pose.

"There was plenty of sexual innuendo in this vid," Chakwas discerned impassively. "Brown eyes turning blue in some vampiric state of arousal, for example."

Lakota mention, "The reversal of asari melding…"

"You ALWAYS bring that up!" accused Tali.

"I do NOT."

"Shepard-Commander, current trends average 1.7 times per day. But there is a 37.8 percent increase after the Normandy departs from the weekly maintenance at the Shadow Broker base."

"Stow it, Legion."

"As a doctor, I can say that the sexual tension between Michael and Selene was, at best, an ambivalent pscho-sexual tension that translated on screen as inappropriate affect." Leaning back into her desk chair, Chakwas put her hands together, tapping her forefingers in cadence to her thoughts. "As a woman, I can say that it was… well…non-existent."

Rolling her eyes, Miranda scoffed harshly, "Hah… the bloody idiot was hand-cuffed during a kiss…"

"Boy did that scene bring up some bad memories," reminisced Lakota, "…fond ones."

"Shep," Kasumi advised, "some things are not meant to be shared."

Unnoticed, Thane made a sideways glance towards Lakota and mumbled, "He desired the one thing he could not possess. The oldest story in the book."

"That and death," declared Samara matter-of-factly. She was sitting in the lotus position on the medbed closest to Chakwas desk.

"So…what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right Shepard?" mocked Garrus.

"You tell me…you're the one who almost got his ass kicked to the netherworld back on Omega."

"You're the one that got spaced…remember?"

"Ehhh… not really. It's all kind of a freakishly cold, yet eerily suffocating blur. I will say this though, for all of the money that was spent bringing me back, I wish it had translated to my hair. Wavy strands or wispy clips would have been nice…never seem to be able to make that happen."

Ignoring the banter between the turian and human, Jack spat incredulously, "So the blonde chick recognizes the human has been bit, he's NOT a lycan yet though, but then jumps to the ceiling anyways and hisses? HISSES? What the fuck?"

"'And then the human easily escapes the mansion." Miranda said, "How is it that the lycans hadn't won the war? Not only were the vampires weak beyond compare when it came to security and tactical reasoning, they were also complete morons."

Grunt quietly raged, "No one has answered my question. What tactical advantage did the hissing serve?"

"I dunno, Grunt. Sure made Blondie look like a fucking idiot though," growled Jack acerbically.

"And Craven reminds me of VIDO," grumbled Zaeed menacingly. "Backstabbing sonofabitch."

"Oh...don't forget when Viktor told him 'Your incompetence is becoming most…taxing…' I LOVE that line." Sighing, the Spectre stated, "Wish I had more opportunities to use it."

Still meditating on the images woven into the ancient tapestries, Thane offered, "Forbidding anyone from questioning the past has a tendency to end in misfortune."

"Oh yeah…ewww…," shivered Kasumi, "A book with human skin…"

Jack jumped down from her med bed. "I can get behind the 'work one century, sleep two'. Seems like a fucked-up paradise." Stretching her arms over her head, she continued, "But I wouldn't want to be a vamp. They're all pathetic and whiny. Amelia is supposed to be some badass bitch, but rolls over when the first lycan shows up."

Mordin's mind stepped to Viktor's resurrection, and then jumped to possible practical applications, then leaped to current examples. "Reanimation through blood. Successful with Shepard. Human genome adaptable. Though cybernetic and synthetic augmentation needed."

"MORDIN! For the love of all things blue, don't remind me!" yelled Lakota, a visible shudder coursing through her body.

"What's the point in being immortal if you can't enjoy the simple pleasures in life…Samara, any comments for the long-lived Justicar living by a code?" poked Joker.

Narrowing her eyes, Samara commented, "Pleasure will lead to your demise as easily as sarcasm, Mr. Moreau."

"Oh…well…_that's_ no fun."

"Even my spirits were lessened by that insight," Thane stated morosely.

"How'd Selene figure out it was Michael Corvine from just a picture? That's bloody miraculous!" argued Miranda. By this time, she was agitatedly pacing the floor.

Jacob responded, "You need to suspend some disbelief, Miranda. It's a vid, not real life."

"I've suspended a lot of things, Jacob… be careful you're not the next."

With a quizzical look, Joker asked, "How did Selene NOT notice the shoulder wound? I thought she was some ultra lycan hunter? I thought she LIVED for it. She's not going to live long with that kind of observational skill."

"And a Death Dealer didn't realize she'd been followed by a pack of lycans when going back to get Michael?" Miranda scoffed. "Highly unlikely."

"And what about those silver nitrate bullets?" questioned Tali. "You would think the 'advanced' vampires would have figured it out way before the 'backward' lycans and their UV rounds."

Mordin, who was attempting to discern the physics of such ammo rounds, mumbled some sporadic thoughts. "Clear-tipped ammo. Breaks chunks out of walls. Also, explodes on impacting flesh. Velocity-mass calculations inconclusive. Conclusion- impossible. Unless material density fluctuated. Then most likely- improbable."

"No wonder the feud went on for so long," observed Zaeed in outright disgust, "they couldn't hit the backside of a frigate."

"At least the Death Dealers had their infinite ammo," Garrus mocked. "No calibration required!"

Lakota sighed nostalgically. "Makes me miss the days before thermal clips."

"Looks liked both sides forgot rule number one: you don't bring fangs and claws to a gun fight," mocked Jacob.

Irritation radiated off of Miranda in waves. "And whips? Who the bloody hell thought bringing whips was a good idea?"

"They're not?" Joker asked innocently.

"Oh… and pitch black holes in the wall… what could POSSIBLY be in there?" ridiculed Tali.

Scowling and shaking his head, Garrus challenged, "Check out the 'superior' hybrid…how is it that an untrained fool could contend with a god-like, vampire warrior?"

"And the all-black eyes… like we haven't seen that before," slurred Joker.

Lakota straightened as if to say something, but was abruptly cut off by Tali, "DON'T _EVEN_ SAY IT, SHEPARD!"

Sheepishly, Lakota settled back on the edge of the desk.

"Leather, guns, ninja moves… What do you say, Jacob? Remind you of anyone we know?" Joker was smiling impishly.

Jacob looked between Miranda, Kasumi, Samara and Jack…his eyes carefully avoided Thane, "Um…yeah…"

"Where are the women lycans?" wondered Kasumi.

The room remained silent.

"So...," Tali asked hesitantly, "roaming in those lycan tunnels...remind anyone _ELSE_ of Feros?"

* * *

_**Before the movie:**_

Kelly received a personal message from Miranda Lawson:

_Tonight's vid revolves around vampires and werewolves. Dress appropriately._

_[Vampires?…Werewolves? hmmm… Leather?… oh yeah…]_

Three hours later, Kelly was still in front the mirror admiring her black, leather-clad ass in the mirror while she thought about and perfected her appearance.

[_Oh yeah, I look good. Maybe just a little more of a hitch her…lower there…and definitely a darker shade of lipstick…]_

Upon hearing the familiar beep of a message in her in box, she looked and saw a correspondence from an unknown sender:

_Though I cannot predict the future, the consequences of this night will reverberate through the halls of the Normandy for many years to come_.


	8. Avatar

**Authors' Note:**

Although it's been a few months, the Normandy crew is still watching and reviewing vids.

Many thanks to those who have fav'd, alerted and reviewed this ongoing fic! It's fantastic to know sarcasm is alive and well in the universe of bits and bytes!

Also, an extra thanks to those who have left reviews. Hearing about what you enjoyed and what made you laugh is both inspiring and motivational. Not to mention... Your feedback ROCKS! *big grin*

Review suggestions are always welcome (I'm keeping a running tally)!

I hope you enjoy the show!

* * *

Avatar

Inspired by the cutting edge technology of the vid's era, the crew decided to migrate the well-worn Flotilla furniture to Mordin's lab - a place known for its research capabilities and singsong revelry- and watch the 3D sensation "Avatar." For all of the scientific and technological marvels that were engineered in the salarian's proving ground, the room was surprisingly sparse which made it exceptionally easy for the crew to relax comfortably in their various seating accoutrements. The portable vid screen was set up opposite of the main entry door and the nomadic furniture – Miranda's leather couch, a newly acquired director chair, Zaeed's lazy boy and the various, colorful assortment of floor pillows (AKA – bean bags), were strewn around the room for the best line of sight. Although captivating visuals had held the crew with rapt attention, the lengthy 168 minute vid tested many squad members' patience. Especially those who were excited by the prospect of remotely driving their own avatar body.

"Having an avatar would be SO cool!" exclaimed Joker. "What do you say Mordin? Think you could whip one up for me? I'd be a ten-foot tall, blue-skinned, catlike humanoid." The pilot's eyes glazed over as his mind wandered to all the fun he could have in such a potent form.

"You'd just be a big, blue Thundercat," deadpanned Lakota.

"Exactly, Commander!"

Mordin leaned back into the yellow bean bag and audibly contemplated Joker's request. "Growing suitable human hybrid… possible. Proficiency of direct mental transmission… unknown. More data needed. Dissection of human brain necessary."

"Um…on second thought," backtracked the pilot nervously, "that doesn't sound so cool." Joker shifted uncomfortably in his purple, canvas-backed director chair as Mordin's 'slice and dice' stare lingered a few seconds too long. "No…really. I've changed my mind. Stop looking at me like that."

Legion was standing near the exit door as the flaps on his face folded into what passed for a scowl. "If the flux vortex created electromagnetic disruption, how did the humans sustain the link to the avatars? In fact, the means by which they connected to them is never explained. Is this an example of what human's call 'scientific mumbo jumbo'?"

"You take the blue monkey body; I'll take the AMP suit," growled Zaeed. Stretching into his lazy boy, he punched his right fist into his left palm as if anticipating a fight. "If I'd had one of those suits on Zorya, Vido would've been ground to dust."

Sultrily sliding off her placement on the lab table, Miranda finished her own haughty scrutiny of the Normandy's pilot. "There's no bloody way you would've been selected as suitable candidate for the Avatar program."

Rolling his eyes, Joker irreverently scoffed, "Why? Because my genetic code wasn't sorted in a Petri dish? I'm talking about having enough cool points to be considered, not having the correct DNA pedigree." Shaking his head, he continued to mutter underneath his breath, "…miss 'daddy paid for my perfect ass'…"

"_AND_ perfect hearing," darkly intoned the former Cerberus officer. Somehow her already rigid stance became more hard-lined as her back straighten and hands scornfully perched on her hips. "You don't have enough cool points to chill a glass of water."

"Hey, I'm easily as cool as Jake! Cooler even, considering I'm the best pilot any of you has ever seen and he's only a grunt."

"Yeah," smirked Jacob, "a grunt who took on the corporate funded military, beat them, and got the girl. You hid from the collectors, unlocked security protocols and got the AI." Amused by his own witty quip, the soldier- who was seated between Chakwas and Kasumi on the black leather couch- sank back into the cushion and continued to grin.

Before Joker could plug an acerbic retort, Jack inserted her own observant commentary. "Like _THAT_ wasn't a contrived plot device. Because the first girl you screw will _ALWAYS_ be the daughter of the leader and the girlfriend of the local badass." She was leaning against the outer wall barely feigning interest in the conversation.

Distracted by the new imagery flashing within his brain, Joker's pupils dilated and his hand instinctively wiped the drool from his chin. "Neytiri is a like a Smurf, Thundercat and Barbie Doll all rolled up into one smoking HOT package."

"She is much more than that," appraised Thane reverently. "Neytiri hisses, snarls, swings from vines and shoots arrows with admiringly deadly accuracy. She protects with graceful viciousness. She does this while demonstrating a bond with the beasts of her world that inspire pathos and envy in equal measure." A tenebrous, longing sigh escaped the repentant assassin's mouth before his thoughts drifted back into their eidetic musings of the Na'vi princess.

Dr. Chakwas relaxed into the leather couch, stretching out her stiff legs and arms. "If there are to be sequels, I hope her story will end more happily than that of Pocahontas. The poor girl never stood a chance and Neytiri's story mimics hers so well."

"Corporate funded military… reminded you of anyone?" asked Tali from her seat on the maroon floor pillow.

Garrus raised one hand in the air drawing everyone's attention while his other hand moved to cover his mouth and muffle the sound as he faux-coughed, "Exogeni..." He kept his hand to his mouth and, as if coughing for a second time, he hacked out, "Cerberus…"

Sitting up, Jacob huffed loudly and then crossed his arms in frustration. "This is the most ludicrous movie ever made about the white man's need to lose his identity and appease racial, political, sexual and historical guilt."

Kasumi looked over at the former Cerberus soldier and aligned her words with his. "It's a ridiculous liberal guilt fantasy."

Feeding off of the thief's endorsement, Jacob continued with his pointed review. "It's a movie made by a wealthy and powerful white man who wanted to apologize for the actions of his ancestors – actions that in fact directly allowed him to become so wealthy and powerful."

As if reading his mind, Kasumi spouted, "It's a concocted, silly fantasy where a heroic white man can save the poor, helpless noble savages who aren't capable of taking care of themselves."

"EXACTLY!" The inflection of Jacob's voice grew more powerful and he noticeably became more agitated as he continued to talk. "The whole point of this fantasy is to alleviate his own feelings of guilt and present himself as the hero." With disgust resonating in his voice the soldier finished his provocative statement. "What he doesn't realize is just how condescending and insulting that fantasy is."

"Heh," laughed Lakota. "It's like 'Dances with Wolves_'_ in space."

Nodding her head, Miranda declared, "I agree with Jacob and Kasumi."

Jack's interest was now piqued- she loved to harass the genetically perfect black-haired woman. She narrowed her eyes and scathingly barked, "Oh, like that's a big surprise coming from the Cerberus cheerleader."

Miranda narrowed her eyes menacingly, but otherwise ignored the unstable biotic's purposeful verbal jab, and continued with her thought. "The protagonist- let's keep it simple and call him by his true name: 'bland heroman'- is barely more developed than the plot. There's no dilemma for him. The villains are so over-the-top evil and the Na'vi are so ridiculously good and pure and wonderful, that there's no real conflict."

Lakota sat back with this new idea and silently deliberated. "Dilemma and conflict? Hmmmm… Cerberus versus Alliance? …*heavy sigh*… Cerberus? Alliance? …*heavy sigh*... Cerberus? Alliance? ...or… Pirate! Oh yeah… we have a winner!" The commander peered from side to side to see if there were any witnesses to her personal debate and was rewarded with being ignored.

"It is exceptionally easy to get caught up in the visual beauty of this film, and forget about the cliché-filled narrative. Frankly," Chakwas interjected, "if you noticed how awful the plot was, you were left feeling a bit snookered."

"The vid's execution may be glorious, taking us no place we've ever been," noted Kasumi, "but the story takes us EVERY place we've ever been before."

"Not every place I've been," flouted Jack disparagingly.

"You're missing the point," advocated Lakota. "The movie_ IS_ about traveling to a fantastic other world. It _IS_ about getting lost. It _IS_ about immersing your senses in an experience so realistic that you can literally leave your body behind."

"Yes, I agree with the commander." Tali, who had been unprecedentedly quiet throughout the movie, sat up in her floor pillow. "It's about the new technology of their time and interface designs of the vid. It's about the depth and heights and landscapes of great scale. It's like seeing the Migrant fleet for the first time from thousands of kilometers away. Have you ever seen it? Taken the time to view it from an observation port? It's an awe-inspiring sight. Thousand of ships navigating through space as one cohesive unit. If you look at it just right, the different sizes and shapes blend together. They seem to form one massive solid structure. A mobile world. Beautiful. Transient. Chaotic. It's like nothing you've ever seen before…or ever could. I wish I could relive the first time again, but I can't. Can't even watch a recording of it. I was so caught up in the moment that I forgot to turn it on. That was stupid. Sometimes I miss the noise. Miss the constant repairs. It's…oh…" Seeing everyone's eyes upon her, Tali abruptly stopped her ramble.

Lakota smiled broadly at the engineer's cute, off-topic tangent. To get everyone back on the vid she concurred with Tali's overall point. "The world of 'Avatar' IS purposely designed to make us feel small and at the same time, make us susceptible to its overarching themes."

"_Riiight_," Jack sarcastically ridiculed. "Like the way the giant dragon swoops down from the sky carrying the motivational speaker to wake up the pansy-ass crowd?"

"Wait a minute." Jacob got up from the couch and began to pace. "Let's recap the story. In the late 19th Century, a Civil War soldier who's been injured in battle accepts a posting to a remote outpost in the untamed Western frontier, hoping to 'find himself.' He soon meets and becomes ingratiated with a tribe of American Indians."

Kasumi jumps off the couch and exclaims, "Oh! Let me help!" She blinks out of sight and reappears behind Tali. Kneeling down she grabs the quarian's shoulders, leans in as if whispering a secret and continues the epic tale. "The hero is _SO _enamored by the natives that he falls in love with one of their women and abandons his military career. He must learn the tribe's language, must undergo its rituals, and must survive a dangerous test of courage by hunting buffalo."

Stretching his arms out as if embracing everyone in the room, Jacob's voice booms, "Not only is he accepted into the tribe, but soon proves himself to be its very best warrior. He quickly becomes its leader, and must use his superior white man skills to defend the helpless natives from his former military colleagues, who have gone mad with greed and are trying to drive the natives out of their land."

Silence stilled the room.

Joker's eyes flitted quickly between Jacob and Kasumi- fifteen times in ten seconds- before he bluntly inquired, "Did you two practice that? Because if you didn't, then you're definitely spending too much time together."

"Doh!" Jacob's palm hit his face in an exaggerated display of ignorance. "Hold on! I'm sorry, that's the plot of the Oscar winning vid called 'Dances with Wolves.' What was I thinking? Let me try one more time."

The former Cerberus soldier began his tale again by putting both hands in front of him as if trying to calm invisible, riled masses. "In the distant future, a space marine who's been injured in battle accepts a posting to a remote outpost on the untamed alien moon of Pandora, hoping to 'find himself.' He soon meets and becomes ingratiated with a tribe of smurfy, blue Indians who ride dragons in the magical rainforest."

Kasumi abruptly disappears from behind Tali and immediately reappears next to Thane. She playfully nudges the assassin before resuming her part of the storytelling. "The hero _SO_ enamored by the natives that he falls in love with one of their women and abandons his military career. He must learn the tribe's language, must undergo its rituals, and must survive a dangerous test of courage by riding a dragon."

"Not only is he accepted into the tribe," Jacob caustically explained, "but soon proves himself to be its very best warrior. He quickly becomes its leader, and must use his superior white man skills to defend the helpless natives from his former military colleagues, who have gone mad with greed and are trying to drive the natives out of their land."

"Oh yeah, that confirms it," stated Joker brashly. "You two are spending WAY too much time together!"

Garrus watched the verbal reenactment and then whistled in slight astonishment. "Human's have a lot of pent up racial angst."

As if in deep thought, Samara's unfocused eyes aimlessly wandered across the room. "It's as though the director dredged up a copy of the 'Wolves' script and did a simple find/replace on characters and other proper names."

"Indeed," concurred Chakwas. "The director is definitely NOT subtle in his inference to the other vids or other form of historical literature. Even using the name Grace," raising both hands in the air, the doctor made quotation marks in the air, "… 'Augustine' is an obvious allusion to Saint Augustine."

"Saint 'who the fuck'?" sneered Jack.

The older woman pursed her lips slightly before answering. "St Augustine was, of course, the principal Christian theoretician of Original Sin. I'm sure you are _more_ than familiar with the concept of sin, my dear. You remember… humanity's fall from _grace_. So it was a given that the tree the Na'vi inhabit and have a reverent relationship with was going to fall, because human beings are fallen creatures and have brought sin to an unfallen world."

"Fan-flipping-tastic." Lakota shook her head ruefully. "Just what I need- more guilt added to the heaping pile. I suppose that's why the human compound was named 'Hell's Gate.'"

Settling himself deeper into the bean bag, Mordin loquaciously expressed the meanderings of his mind. "Environmental themes fascinating. Pro-environmental clichés literally rendered. Pandorans actually plug into natural world through tassels of nerve fibers. Their biosphere just one great nervous system. Pandoran memories continue to exist inside the Tree of Souls. Message sentimental, but provocative."

"A tree where some of your ancestor's spirits still exist… psh!" Leaning back into his director chair, Joker sniggered, "Like it's totally NOT awkward or wrong to have sex under it!"

Tali stretched her legs before moving the conversation off of the pilot's favorite subject. "Haven't we seen Trudy in other movies?"

"Yeah," affirmed Jack, "she's the bitch who ALWAYS dies."

"What I don't understand," the quarian continued, "is how she was able to refuse to attack Home Tree, decided to leave the squadron and was not punished. She disobeyed a direct order from Colonel Quaritch, but there was no fallout. Then she was allowed to roam freely within the compound and rescue Jake from his cell. Who would let her roam free? Even Shepard wouldn't have done that."

"That's true," agreed Garrus. "Shepard's more likely to throw her out the airlock."

"She was trying to be a goddamn hero," groused Zaeed.

Lakota contemplated the mercenary for a moment, before commenting. "You know this better than most, Zaeed- sometimes your whole life boils down to one insane move."

"Shepard," Garrus taunted, "you say that before every mission."

Chiming in with her own teasing, Tali remarked, "It doesn't boost confidence either."

Mocking both the movie and her crew's good-natured belittlement, Lakota playfully cursed, "I didn't sign up for this shit!"

Rolling her eyes, Miranda joined in the fun. "Shepard, you say that every other day."

Jack saw an opportunity and barked, "Since we're talking about asinine … Unaobtainium? Seriously? That's the best they could fucking come up with?"

Miranda raised a finger and said, "Oh… and remember…slow motion video and tribal chanting in the background mean something really bad is happening."

Jack added in, "Don't forget that by jumping on a special fucking bird, the tribe that hated you moments ago will immediately forgive you."

Miranda opened her mouth as if to say something, but then abruptly closed it. She refused to further align herself with the other female biotic.

Stepping forward to take the floor, Legion stated, "We calculate a 97.25% success rate if the humans had flown at a higher altitude and dropped the explosives on the indigenous population instead of engaging them in close quarter combat. We do not understand the tactical strategy of the human aggressors."

Zaeed dramatically chambered a round in his pistol before snarling, "They did it because it's more goddamn fun!"

The Spectre spotted an unusual sight - the asari Justicar was fidgeting in her gun-metal grey floor pillow… and asari rarely fidget. "What about you Samara?" inquired Lakota. "Where do you stand in all of this?"

The Justicar looked thoughtfully at the Spectre before replying. "My code would not allow me to sit idly by as the insurgent humans unlawfully slaughtered innocent lives."

"Oh, really?" Curiosity peaked, Joker asked, "So it's not because they are blue?"

"Joker!" Clearly annoyed by the accusation, Lakota demanded, "What kind of question is that?"

"Ease up, Commander. It's a fair question. Favoritism and racism exist in all cultures. Sexism, too. You in particular know the appeal of blue-skin. "

Seeing Lakota's expression darken, Tali interceded, "But not every asari is blue, Joker."

"The only one I've seen who isn't had herself spewed out of an ancient, sentient homicidal plant and is now a murky green color." Tapping his forefinger to his lips, the pilot conceded, "Although, she's still damn sexy."

"Any female is sexy to you, Joker," chided Garrus. "Shows your maturity level."

"Waitaminute…," sneered Joker, "are you going to call me a 'beh-bay'?"

"No." The turian sniper crossed his arm and matter-of-factly stated, "I'm going to call you a skxawng."

"Hey, Garrus," shot back the pilot. "Just relax and let your mind go blank. Shouldn't be hard for you."

The turian vigilante saw the metaphorical line being drawn and challenged, "I'm a warrior…of the Jarhead clan."

Narrowing his eyes, the pilot went on the offensive. "It is hard to fill a cup that is already full."

Garrus quickly countered, "One life ends…another begins."

Joker gasped in over-the-top exaggeration, and then he dared, "What are you gonna do, Ranger Rick? Huh, you gonna shoot me?"

"Nothing's over while I'm breathin'," roared the turian playfully.

"I was kinda hoping you'd say that." A self-satisfied smirk graced the pilot's face.

Narrowing his eyes, Garrus retaliated, "We will see if your insanity can be cured."

"You're not the only one with a gun, bitch!"

Shaking his head the former C-Sec officer chuckled, "Outstanding."

Interrupting the pilot and turian's verbal sparring match, Samara answered, "The color of their skin does not matter. I would not allow the humans to invade the Na'vi. My code would require me to kill them all." She visibly settled back into a statuesque, yet regal pose on the floor pillow. Motionless- the fidgeting had stopped.

"Anyone else think Tsu'tey overacted in some of his scenes?" questioned Garrus. The turian was now standing and nonchalantly looking over Mordin's lab equipment.

"Overacted? They were CGI creations," clarified Tali. "How could they overact?"

Nodding his head, Thane said, "I agree with Garrus. When Tsu'tey stated 'I will FLY with you' to Jake… he put so much emphasis on 'fly' that I involuntarily rolled my eyes. It was… how do you humans term it… cheesy?"

"Yes," remarked Chakwas. "There was quite a bit of cheese served with that declaration."

Mordin's thoughts were still traveling at the speed of light when he uttered, "Stereoscopic filming technique revolutionary for its age."

Lakota sighed heavily, "Why can't you just say it was filmed in 3D?"

Once again crossing his arms in disgust, Jacob scoffed, "Well, for all of its innovation, evidently future humanity has no blacks or Asians in the mix."

Kasumi shook her head before saying, "Seems to be a theme in the blockbuster vids by this director."

"Miranda," began Lakota, "I thought you invited Kelly to this shindig."

"I did, Shepard." Innocently, the former Cerberus officer added, "I'm not sure what happened to her."

* * *

Kelly stared at her monitor nervously biting her nails and re-read the movie night invitation.

_Tonight's vid is Avatar – one of the most visually innovative digital 3D films of its time! The motion-capture animations are so realistic that the wildlife will come out and bite you! I mean that literally. Mordin has added some extra live action amusements, so please remember to stop by the armory and bring your gun and ammo. Keep in mind that in this vid every living thing that crawls, flies, or squats in the mud wants to kill you and eat your eyes for jujubes._

_Please sign and return the attached release form which waives all personal injury liability._

Kelly jumped back from her monitor as an image of a thanator leapt at her and an audio clip sounded out: _**I see you.**_


	9. Serenity

**Author's Note:**

Thank you to all of those who have been following this playful, humorous fic. Your interest and feedback are fantastic motivators to keep the crew reviewing vid after vid after vid. *grin*

Let me reiterate one little tidbit – what looks like "Kelly hate" isn't necessarily the case. Remember that things aren't always as they seem. The crew feels justified in their actions. You (as the reader) will find out the details at a later time. 'Nuff said. *grins mischievously*

Again… many thanks to those who have fav'd, alerted and reviewed this ongoing fic!

Review suggestions are always welcome.

Fun fact: Back in 2005, Israeli psychologists found that complex thinking skills were required to understand sarcasm. "Sarcasm is lost on many people, in some cases more than others, because they may be missing part of a complex set of cognitive skills based in specific parts of the brain." Heh… that explains a lot in my life…

Now… on with the show!

* * *

Serenity

The _Normandy SR-2_ crew gathered together for another communal night of vid viewing. This evening's entertainment revolved around the science fiction adventure film_ Serenity_. To Thane's chagrin, the affectionately named Flotilla furniture was jam packed into the Life Support Control Room and the portable vid screen was assembled in front of the entry/exit door. Although a tight fit, the crew made the cramped space work. Turned out Mordin was a genius with spatial orientation.

As the last of the credits rolled by, Jack—who was leaning against the outer wall closest to the light switch, turned on the lights. Somehow, she managed to do that simple task in a defiant way.

Taking his cue, Joker stood up from his director's chair, raised both hands in the air and excitedly blurted, "River Tam is HOT!"

Lakota Shepard rolled her eyes in amused exasperation. "You say that about every leading lady who can kick ass." Her body sank further into the blue beanbag as she performed a feline-like stretch that resembled one of Samara's yoga poses.

"Doesn't make it any less true, Commander. She's tough. She's sexy. And has just the right bit of crazy."

"The 'right' bit of crazy?" Lakota shook her head before asking the obvious question. "What's the wrong bit?"

The _Normandy_ pilot nervously glanced at Jack, who was glaring back at him while still leaning up against the wall, like a predator waiting to pounce. Joker raised his fist to his mouth, cleared his throat—loudly—and then answered. "Um… if you have to ask, Commander, then you'll never know."

Eye's blazing with the thoughts of impending battle, Grunt—who was standing near Thane's assortment of weapons, shifted his weight from leg to leg and then smacked his closed fists together like an anvil and hammer. "She would be a challenging opponent because her form is deceptive. She is like a thresher maw killing everything in her path. A scrawny, humanoid thresher maw, that doesn't spit acid."

Garrus Vakarian, former C-Sec officer and vigilante known as Archangel, tapped his mandible with his finger and commented, "She was psychic, too. I don't know about the rest of you, but that sounds like science fiction to me." A turian sitting on a floor pillow was an awkward sight to behold and from Garrus' expression, it must have been uncomfortable, as well.

"We live in a space ship, Garrus," remarked Tali from her beanbag. In contrast to her comrade-in-arms, she appeared comfortable in the cushy, yet unconventional placement on the floor.

"Oh, right. Good point." The turian twisted his body, but the adjusted seating did not help his comfort level and he let out a heavy sigh.

Mordin stood and began to pace the length of the room. "Researched psychic aptitude. No distinguishable neuronal responses were found between psychic stimuli."

Thane leaned forward in his chair, placed his elbows on his desk and weaved his fingers together in front of his face. Intrigued by Mordin's statement, he asked, "You researched psychic ability, Professor?"

The Salarian nodded his head while continuing to pace briskly through the room—weaving in and out of the stationary crew members. As if to help explain his finding, he waved his hands in the air while in the midst of elaborating on his theory. "If electron, or atom is described as an 'enfolding' or if entire universe located at a particular space-time coordinate, then so should an organic being. Whole universe 'enfolded' within us. Therefore, theoretically possible to access parts of this enfolded information." The doctor abruptly stopped pacing. "Unless theory is wrong. Then research pointless."

"Okay. That proves it. Mordin is his own crazy universe …" Joker looked around the room before raising his hands again while wildly exclaiming, "…as in—_**Mr. Universe**_!"

Miranda Lawson was sitting on Thane's desk with her right arm braced behind her and legs swinging freely—consciously poised in such a way as to accentuate each and every curve to its maximum potential. "I think it goes without saying that if we were all cast to play in the various roles of this movie… then Jack would play River."

"_What?"_ snarled the tattooed biotic as she sprang off the wall, rapidly closing the distance to the former Cerberus Officer. "What the hell for? Cuz you think I'm fucking unstable?"

Joker whispered so only Jacob, who was sitting on the couch, could hear. "That's just silly talk! She's fine! Except for still being crazy, she's the picture of health!"

Unfazed by the younger biotic's uncontained display of fury, Miranda calmly explained her logic. "It was either River or Jayne. You and she share a… similar history while you and he share the irony of having a name usually associated to the opposite sex." Condescendingly, the black-haired biotic added, "Jack. Jayne. Get it?"

"I get it perfectly." Jack continued on her path to physically assault her prey. "Now how about I explain a few things to you, cheerleader?"

As the biotic energy signature flared across the tattooed woman's arm, Samara—who had been signaled by Shepard—quickly stepped between. Without a word, she scowled and raised her own hands in a defensive posture, one that Jack did not mistake as passive.

Lakota attempted to diffuse the situation with her characteristic, Shepard-like diplomacy. "What Miranda was trying to say in a less than graceful fashion, is that you're prettier than Jayne, so you had to be River."

Instead of engaging the Justicar, Jack assessed the Commander's words and then let loose with her own acidic commentary. "Better than being named after a remote-ass planet full of dead people."

Joker leaned over and whispered again to Jacob. "Damn… that was close. Almost got to see a 'Space Girls Gone Wild' episode."

Kasumi- who was sitting in the middle of the sofa between Chakwas and Jacob, overheard the wisecrack, squinted, leaned across Jacob, and then quietly replied, "You are amusing in a 'what the hell is wrong with you' kind of way."

Jack's eyes narrowed burning with unleashed wrath as she scathingly stated, "I heard that flyboy! Just remember, you'll be cast as the pilot, and _YOU_… _DIE_!"

Joker subconsciously rubbed his chest before mumbling, "Remind me never to say 'I'm a leaf on the wind.'"

"I think we can all agree that Tali and Kaylee are one and the same. Female engineering geniuses." Jacob leaned back into the sofa, confident in his astute commentary.

Kasumi playfully elbowed the former Cerberus soldier. "That's stereotypical."

"I will quote Joker and say 'that doesn't make it any less true.'"

The thief rolled her eyes before saying, "So… what… Dr. Chakwas is Simon?"

Jacob remained silent but shrugged his shoulders as if to say "yes."

Kasumi crossed her arms and challenged, "And Zaeed is Jayne?"

Garrus interrupted, "Why can't I be Jayne?"

"You're too pretty," quipped Lakota.

Tali added her own observation to the mix. "Well, Zaeed and Jayne share a certain resemblance. Not that they are physically identical. They look nothing alike. But they are both big… and brutish… and grumpy… I mean, not in a bad sense… I didn't mean that… they can be very nice… Did you know they named their guns? Jayne named his 'Vera', which is nothing like Zaeed's gun 'Jessie'… but Shepard named her sniper rifle too, so maybe it's a… oh…um… I'll just shut up now."

"You're not going to pin me to that whiney-ass cry baby!" growled Zaeed. "He's not nearly good looking!"

"And the Operative?" inquired the deftly crafty thief.

Without hesitation, Shepard answered, "Thane."

Followed immediately by Tali, "Thane."

And then Miranda, "Thane."

Shaking his head, Thane groused, "It seems I am to be typecast as a well-versed assassin who has spurious delusions of a world without sin."

Dr. Chakwas' curiosity got the best of her. From her placement on the sofa she asked, "Who would fill the role of Inara?"

"That's easy," stated Lakota mirthfully. "Samara."

"Samara can't be a whore!" bellowed Joker. "That's just not right! An asari Justicar selling herself for sexual favors… that's just… well… that's just sexy…" Seeing Samara's reproachful glance, Joker amended, "…and _SO_ _TOTALLY_ wrong! Completely inappropriate. Forget I ever said anything about it." The pilot mumbled under his breath, "I'm a bad, bad man."

"Companions aren't whores," defended Lakota. "They pick their own partners, they are part of the social elite, and there is ritual and ceremony surrounding their services. Yes, they collect money, but the service they provide is more along the lines of nurturing someone's psychological and emotional well-being."

"Oh… so, like the consort?" asked Tali in a 'not-so-innocent' fashion.

Lakota's face turned an uncharacteristic shade of red. "Um… yeah… sure."

"In general, an Asari may mate with many, with no monetary exchange," explained Samara, still standing between Jack and Miranda, her regal pose exuding an air of unquestionable grace. "Though I presume if we did so in our youth, then we would acquire substantial savings upon reaching our matron years."

"Hell, yes." Lakota quickly looked around when all eyes in the room turned on her. "Oh… crap. I said that out loud, didn't I?"

Ignoring Shepard's faux pas, Tali questioned, "So… who is Zoe?"

"I vote for Jacob," smirked Kasumi. "Former soldier. Likes to use a double-barreled shotgun. Takes orders well, but can also lead the squad." She nudged him playfully with her elbow before adding, "And it's not stereotypical."

Jacob exhaled heavy as if to say "fine" and then immediately furthered the discussion. "Okay… Who is Malcolm Reynolds? The obvious choice is Shepard but you know what they say about making assumptions."

"Jacob, you think I would refuse orders if I didn't agree with them? Even if I had to go against impossible odds?" Humorously, the Spectre teased, "That's so sweet."

"Shepard-Commander, current trends have indicated a 99.7 percentage probability that you would directly oppose commands if received from a platform or organic whose judgment does not fall into compliance with your own. Query. Why?"

Lakota considered the geth's question, and then answered with deliberate ease. "Organics don't like to be meddled with, Legion. But that doesn't stop others from trying to tell them what to do, what to think. Don't run, don't walk. They're in their homes and in their heads and they haven't the right. Humans do this, very well. We're meddlesome creatures."

"Is that why you re-wrote the heretics, Commander?" taunted Miranda. "Because you are meddlesome?"

"And pretty. Don't forget pretty." Lakota scanned the room thoroughly, as if deep in thought, and then addressed the group. "What about Shepherd Book?"

An eerie silence filled the air.

"That settles it," deadpanned the Spectre. "We are all godless bastards and are going to hell."

To no one in particular, Tali commented, "The Reavers reminded me of Husks." Even in her environmental suit, a noticeable tremor travelled across her body.

"Seriously?" Joker questioned. "Mindless zombies? Savagely attacking anything that moves?"

Everyone else in the room nodded their head in affirmation.

"Awww… come on. You've got to be kidding me! That can't exist in real life!" said the pilot disbelievingly. "Just because I've never seen one doesn't mean you can keep me out of your club. That's just mean! Cruel! Heartless!"

For the second time that night, the room was silent.

"Abominations are livelier," proclaimed Grunt, breaking the tenebrous mood. "They explode."

An almost audible "click" could be heard when Joker looked around and saw that no one in the room was laughing. "Well… shit. Now that's just creepy." Frowning, he added, "You guys suck. You shouldn't have told me! Now I'm gonna have bad dreams!"

Legion was still standing in the corner behind Thane's desk. Although his body was perfectly still, the flaps on his head were moving in a way that suggested confusion. "Shepard-Commander, various inconsistencies surrounding the Reavers are puzzling to this platform."

Cocking her head in curiosity, Lakota queried, "What about them is puzzling, Legion?"

"How can the infected organics navigate their ships if their operating systems are in a constant state of rage? Why do they not cause physical harm to each other?"

"Um… Mordin or Dr. Chakwas may be better at explaining 'psychotically crazy' than I…" Lakota pleading looked at both doctors for help.

Before anyone could comment, Garrus cheerfully intoned, "At least there were no AI's in this vid, right Tali!"

"Right. Instead the vid had a young, unstable girl who was medically experimented on, is unknowingly a martial arts master with psychic powers and is also a threat to the whole civilized race." Tali glanced over at Jack. "Yeah. Never seen that before."

"From the actions of the main characters, you can tell that there is no grand theme or clear cut 'good and evil' in this vid," observed Thane. "Much like real life, the character's lives are murky."

"So it's a space opera crossed with a human western?" Joker motioned as if putting on an invisible cowboy hat and snapped an invisible whip. "Yee-haw little doggie!"

"To call _Se_renity a space-western is an oversimplification," refuted Dr. Chakwas. "Its tale is much more intimate and epic. Thematically, it is about family, freedom, free will, and identity. It's about a person's purpose in life, a person's _place_ in the universe. It's about survival, faith, and civilization."

In a mystified tenor, Lakota remarked, "They walk that fine line in the middle, forging their own path while caught between absolute chaos and absolute law."

"You walk that line every day, Shepard."

"Garrus," lectured Lakota, "it's not like I wake up every morning and plan on skirting the middle line."

The turian humorously scoffed, "Yeah well, what you plan and what takes place have rarely been similar."

"They're just a band of fugitives trying to make their way in a dangerous sky that wants to chew them up and spit them out." Zaeed stretched back into the cushions of his lazy boy and continued, "It's something I can relate to."

"Did you know their ship—Serenity—was named after a battle? Just like the Normandy," explained Tali. "Although the Normandy is a much more sophisticated feat of engineering, innovative and a state-of-the-art prototype. Serenity is more like the ships in the flotilla. Falling apart. Not that the flotilla is falling apart, but some ships need more care than others. Thermal dampers dislodging, stabilizers on the fritz, engine cores needing to be recalibrated. Garrus would be good at that."

"I see the ship's name being reflective of what the characters are in search of," commented Miranda thoughtfully. "Finding freedom and a home. That's what the ship represents to them."

"Damn, Miranda," bantered Lakota, "if I didn't know better, I'd say you were a Browncoat."

"That's right, Shepard. Be prepared." Adorning a mischievous smile, the former Cerberus Officer parried, "I aim to misbehave."

* * *

_Earlier that night…_

Kelly Chambers looked through her latest messages. The one marked "Urgent – Vid Night Preview – Read NOW!" captured her attention:

_Before you join us for the next vid night, please review the following clips from River Tam's counseling sessions. The girl, River, will be waiting for you inside the Life Support Control Room._

_**R. Tam, Session 1 – Excerpt  
**__In a small room with a table, a man is interviewing a young girl. Her name is River. The interviewer begins to question River about her life. She is shown to be an extremely intelligent girl—a child prodigy, and appears to have intuitive, or possibly psychic, powers._

_**R. Tam, Session 22 – Excerpt  
**__River is having second thoughts about how she may not be "the right subject" for the treatments being done to her. She requests a transfer back to a normal school, despite it being "too slow." The video then cuts to another conversation. River says, "it's the Pax." Eerily, she seems to be a mind-reader._

_**R. Tam, Session 165 – Excerpt  
**__River has experienced a psychotic break and is agitatedly pacing the room. In a disturbing display, she rambles about cutting up her mattress for reasons unknown to anyone else but herself. She claims that she has no "mission." Suddenly, she shrieks, bends over on the table, and claims that something in the mattress is "sticking in [her]." She screams repeatedly at the interviewer that "they cut it out."_

_**R. Tam, Session 416 - First Excerpt  
**__River says that Dr. Mathias "gave [her] a mission." She says she cannot tell the interviewer what this mission is, and that she will have to write it down. She innocently extends a hand for the pen the interviewer is holding._

_**R. Tam, Session 416 - Second Excerpt  
**__The interviewer is sitting in a chair near the table. A few moments of silence pass, then he puts his hands to his throat and begins to cough violently. He pulls out a bloodied pen and throws it onto the table. After a few seconds of struggling, he falls out of his chair onto the floor. With blood on her hand, River suddenly appears on screen, looks directly at the camera and whispers, "I can see you."_

Kelly Chambers looked expectantly between her monitor and her room's entryway. She turned off the monitor, stood up from her desk and quickly walked toward the entrance of her room… and then proceeded to lock the door.


	10. It's A Wonderful Life

It's a Wonderful Life

The Christmas season had taken root upon the _Normandy SR-2._ Although a human holiday, the general consensus of the multi-species crew was to view a Christmas oriented vid in honor of the festive time of year. Tali and Garrus were already acquainted with the heightened revelry that most humans exhibited during this period—Jack and Miranda being the exception, which is usually the case in most comparison models—so the quarian and turian were nonchalant about the vid choice. Mordin thought watching a Christmas vid in terms of it being an informative social and psychological experiment. Would the implied meaning of the vid threaten a non-believer's sense of self, depress their mood, and/or engendered feelings of alienation and exclusion? Grunt's desire to watch the vid was a bit more basic. He was told there was a fight scene. Samara and Thane shared an interest in the spiritual basis of the holiday and hoped the vid would shed some light—so to speak—on the subject matter. Legion's affirmation was deliberate and calculating, since it was based in the accumulation of more personal data on Shepard-Commander.

The credits of Frank Capra's vid "_It's A Wonderful Life_" started rolling as the lights turned on in the Port Observation room, also known as Kasumi's quarters. A moment later, the "blind-turned-vid screen" positioned on the outer hull opened to the wide expanse of starry space. Since Kasumi's quarters had the best ambiance for movie night—alcoholic beverages, colorful holiday lights and plenty of elbow room—the crew had decided to utilize her room once again.

In preparation for vid night, the affectionately named "Flotilla furniture"—various floor pillows (better known as bean bags), Zaeed's lazy boy (nobody asked its origin, but all were convinced there was a grand tale behind its acquisition), Joker's director chair (he's been known to sleep in it) and the leather couch from Miranda's office (it suited her personality so well), had been moved into the thief's quarters. Tali brought along a Christmas tree constructed entirely from recycled engine parts—she had had a few hours to spare before the vid. Mordin generously donated two punch bowls of eggnog for the holiday shindig. He researched the seasonal beverage, altered a version of the recipe for quarian and turian consumption, and then distilled the two types in his lab, a dextro-protein version and a "traditional human" version. Kasumi made multicolored, cutout sugar cookies in menacing designs of shuriken—commonly known as throwing stars—Doctor Chakwas brought chocolate fudge, and Liara T'Soni—who was participating in her first vid night—brought a fruit cake for all who could consume it. She'd done some research and discovered that if a fruitcake was soaked in alcohol—like dark rum—it could remain edible for years. With such longevity, she became curious if any humans would be daring enough to eat the alcohol saturated food.

As if on cue, Joker stood up and declared, "Alright, I know it's cheesier than cheese, but the phrase 'every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wing' is a CLASSIC!" He was so excited he nearly knocked over his director's chair.

Lakota, who was nestled into an overstuffed bean bag with her lover, Liara T'Soni, looked at the Normandy's pilot with a confused expression. "Joker, what the hell are you wearing?"

"What? This old thing…" Joker's hands ran down the outline of his antiquarian linen apparel in obvious delight. "This is an official, vintage replica of an eighteenth century nightshirt." The knee-length, white cotton cloth had a wide front opening with cambric frill edging and a shallow collar. The sleeves, set in with gussets, were long, finished with a gauged cuff edged with a frill and fastened with one button. "This bad boy set me back a month's wages," said the pilot proudly, "but it is so worth it!"

From her seat on the sofa, Miranda rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Please tell me you're wearing something underneath."

"Oh yeah! Those are vintage, too!"

"Well, I think it's very cute," said Kasumi, the bon-bon on her red elf hat bounced with each subtle movement of her head. She and Jacob had skipped the eggnog and instead, were mixing up green and red mystery drinks in honor of the holiday.

Jacob scoffed, "He's wearing a dress." But for the color being green, his elf hat matched the thief's.

"He's liberated, baby." Kasumi finished the mixing and handed Jacob a green drink; she kept the red one for herself.

Kelly Chambers was sitting on the sofa with Miranda. Normally the sofa holds three, but tonight a large empty space remained between the two women. The prominent void was vacant the whole night—nobody was daring enough to sit between the two professional women.

"Joker went above and beyond to immerse himself in the film's spirit and ambience by dressing like Clarence the Angel," commented the counselor. "I'd even go so far as to say it's his way of participating in an interactive exchange with the film's overarching meaning. In this way, he experiences a heighted sense of the visceral and moral connotations being conveyed."

Joker stared blankly at Kelly. "Um… sure… That sounds much better than 'the cloth is super snuggly and warm'."

"I thought we were supposed to shelve our work selves tonight," whispered Liara to Lakota. She took the opportunity to inch a bit closer to the Spectre, who was wearing her casual brown leather pants, matching short-sleeved shirt and adorning a multi-colored necklace made out of large Christmas tree lights strung on red cord.

"It's Kelly's first time at vid night," Lakota whispered back. "See her biting her nails? She's nervous and trying to impress."

"I'd be nervous to, if I were sitting on the sofa of doom."

Garrus, Thane and Dr. Chakwas were standing near the bar, close to Jacob and Kasumi, each with a glass of eggnog in their hands. They eyed each other dubiously, wondering who would be the one brave enough, and fool enough to take the first swig.

"Clarence the Angel was an idiot," commented Garrus. "Why didn't he just tell George it was Potter who stole his $8,000 instead of making him go through all of that 'what the world would be like if I hadn't been born' crap."

"How would that have accomplished anything?" asked Chakwas. She courageously took a drink of her eggnog, her eyes widening in panic, and then she immediately began to cough when the 150 proof substance burned its way down the back of her throat.

As the physician continued to cough, Thane helpfully smacked her on the back and nodded his head in agreement. "Indeed. George was a broken man. The missing $8,000 was just a part of his multi-layered life issues, not the source of his discontent."

Gasping for breath, Chakwas brokenly added, "George needed the view of the world without him …*_cough_*… to appreciate how wonderful a life…*_cough_*… he had had…*_cough_*…not $8,000." She held up her hand and the drell stopped patting her back. The doctor took a moment to regain her composure, cleared her throat, and then continued. "Getting the money from all the people in the town that he meant so much to was just icing on the cake." She put her drink on the table and stood with her hands on top of her head—to keep her diaphragm unobstructed and help the intake of air as she breathed in deeply.

"Well said, Doctor," praised Thane. "Clarence's job was to make George see that life was worth living, which was a far greater gift than the $8,000. Had Clarence told George about Potter and the money, George would have taken back the money, felt better for a few days, and then been back in the desolation he had been immersed in before the chaos."

After fully reclaiming her senses and drink from the table, Chakwas said, "My word, Doctor Solus, that eggnog is positively fantastic!"

"I would have kicked Potter's ass!" snarled Jack. As usual, she was standing in her trademark pose, with her arms crossed, weight shifted to her right leg as she leaned up against the wall. She was also in her trademark outfit of skintight black leather pants, black military boots and a black leather vest that revealed the colorful landscape of her tattooed skin which seemed to say angry, young and proud. "Hell, I would have told the whole town and we would have lynched his crippled ass!"

"Nah," said Joker. "You guys got it all wrong!" He'd sat back down in his chair, but was now wiggling to get the hemline further down his shins. "It's a sequel waiting to happen! _A_ _Wonderful Life 2: Payback_. George Bailey realizes what's happened and the town goes crazy trying to recover their money. Then zombies spring out of Potter's field and the whole town gets eaten!"

Liara leaned close to Lakota again and asked, "Is Joker always so…'in costume' for these vids?"

In a voice so soft only Liara could hear, Lakota replied, "He likes to play 'dress up.' You should have seen his Han Solo outfit."

"I thought he borrowed your vest for that."

"Wait… What? Who? How?" sputtered the Spectre in surprise.

Liara smirked devilishly. "An information broker has her ways, Commander."

Lakota smiled brightly and snuggled a bit closer to the asari scientist. "Duly noted, Doctor."

"For such a feel-good movie, the ending is surprisingly ambiguous," noted Miranda. She sat perfectly still on the couch looking everywhere but in the direction of the woman sharing the sofa with her. "The man's life hasn't really improved, only his perspective has. And who knows how long that will last."

"This movie is drenched in fear!" Tali adjusted to make herself more comfortable in the beanbag. "Losing all your money? Possibly betrayed by those you love? Never fulfilling your dreams? How is THAT 'feel-good'?"

"The internal conflict is the most important," said Kelly, "so it's the one that gets resolved." The counselor straightened up in her seat, crossing her legs at the shin. She appeared relaxed enough in her casual, newly non-Cerberus uniform, but her intermittent nail-biting said otherwise.

"But Potter gets away with the money!" pouted Tali.

"He may have gotten the money," said Lakota, "but Potter didn't get off 'scot-free.' He failed—once again—to get rid of George's business. Instead, George has a renewed sense of purpose in life and many years ahead of him to annoy Potter." The Spectre stretched her arms above her head and when they settled back into a relaxed position her left arm was craftily wrapped around Liara's shoulders. "Plus… Potter is a miserable old man who has a plethora of annoying health problems."

"Don't you mean 'he's a warped frustrated old man,' Commander?" teased Liara as she cinched an arm around Lakota's waist.

"That, too, Doctor."

"George and Potter sound a lot like Shepard and The Illusive Man," said Garrus. "TIM sits around spinning his little webs, thinking the whole universe revolves around him, Cerberus and money. And then Shepard gets caught in his sticky strands, but instead of lying down, she rattles the scurvy little spider by cutting his well-planned web into itty bitty pieces."

"That sounds like Shepard and the Citadel Council, too." Liara teasingly elbowed her lover in the ribs.

Giggling, Tali said, "Don't forget the Admiralty Board."

"And the Alliance," deadpanned Jacob.

"Oh, don't stop there," said Joker. "The Commander's reach is much greater than that! What about ExoGeni?"

"Or the Reapers?" added Thane.

"The Blue Suns don't care much for her, either," said Zaeed.

Doctor Chakwas chuckled to herself. "I'm sure the Tenth Street Reds would have plenty to say about our commander."

Legion, who was standing near the entryway, said, "Modifications made to the Heretic's primary operating system resolved initial platform conflicts."

Standing near Kasumi's bed, Grunt commented. "The Uvenk Clan's dissatisfaction ended with their deaths."

"Donovan Hock isn't saying a word," said Kasumi with a secretive grin. The thief looked around the room and upon seeing many empty hands, she decided to do something about it.

Lakota felt someone's eyes upon her, so she looked around the room and saw Samara fixated gaze. As the Justicar's eyes narrowed in contemplation, Lakota shrugged her shoulders and smiled sheepishly. "I got me some mad 'skillz'."

"I bet Clarence is really a mean little bastard," surmised Zaeed. He eased back in his lazy-boy and as the foot rest rose, he stretched out his legs. "I bet he appears in front of Potter to drill him for driving George nearly to suicide. I bet Clarence points out the fate of eternal misery and despair awaiting Potter after death and then vanishes before the cripple's beady little eyes. I bet Potter is so terrified of his own piss that he has a heart attack and dies on the spot."

"Zaeed," ribbed Lakota, "I didn't know you were so sentimental."

"I'm not. This is about revenge, Shepard," growled the mercenary. "Revenge is something I know well." Kasumi appeared next to the lazy boy and handed him a glass of eggnog to which he just glared at menacingly. Then the thief vanished.

"Well, those are very specific details, Mr. Massani." Kelly fidgeted in her chair before curiosity got the best of her. "Is this a tactic you've used in the past?"

"Ring a bell and find out, missy," dared Zaeed.

Thane sniffed his eggnog with trepidation before taking a small sip. "Shooting the vid in monochrome added to the overall ambience of the story," remarked the drell thoughtfully. "The old black and white footage created its own imagery and world. As such, the vid's message was enhanced."

"For me, the scenes had the feel of a dream sequence," said Kelly, "which left much more to the imagination then a fully colorized version."

Kasumi appeared next to Samara, handed her a glass of eggnog and then disappeared. The Justicar was sitting on her bean bag with her legs extended in front of her. "It not only represented a dreamlike world, but also represented an ethereal view of the world. Color represents 'reality'. By capturing this vid in black and white the director created an avenue for the viewer to delve into the inner mystery of George's world. To travel into his psyche."

Kelly shared the Justicar's viewpoint. "While color represents the immediate present, recording the story in black and white gives it a certain timelessness."

"It was ingenious to capture this story in a monochromatic world." Thane finished his statement with another drink of eggnog.

"Um… actually…," said Kelly hesitantly, "black and white film was the only kind available at the time."

Both Thane and Samara had a look of bewilderment on their faces and in unexpected unison said, "Oh…"

Lakota leaned in so her lips hovered near Liara's neck and then whispered, "They meant the black and white vid was more nostalgic."

"Yes, Shepard." Liara looked her lover in the eye, an expression of mock seriousness blanketing her face. "It's good that you're here to keep me informed about these things."

"Well, it is your first vid, Doctor," teased Lakota, "I wouldn't want you to get confused."

"You are a very gracious host, Commander." Liara paused a moment before slugging the Spectre in the shoulder.

With two drinks in hand, Kasumi first flashed over to Legion, the flaps on his head moving as if to suggest confusion at the drink given, and then she flashed over to Tali, offering the quarian a glass of the dextro-protein version of eggnog… with a straw.

Jack was still leaning against the wall, but was irately shaking her head. "Potter's an ass, but George is a goody two-shoes dumb fuck. He employs an incompetent relative, trusts him with large amounts of cash and gives loans to degenerates. What the hell did he think would happen?"

Samara, who was now sitting cross-legged on her red floor pillow, put her glass of eggnog on the floor, interlocked her fingers and turned her palms out as she raised her arms above her head in a yoga-like stretch. "George Bailey should be admired not admonished." The Justicar's statement had solid finality to it, as though admonishing any who would question it. "He has put aside his own desires for the betterment of his fellows and community."

"Sounds like a dumb fuck to me," repeated the tattooed biotic. She didn't care much for boundaries of any kind- those directly expressed or those indirectly implied.

Kasumi's next target was Jack, but when the angry young woman snarled, the thief remained at the bar rethinking her strategy.

Crossing her legs at the knees, Miranda commented, "Uncle Billy is the bloody idiot in this vid. He even has a bizarre assortment of animals living with him to drive home the point."

Jack furrowed her brows. "I hate him, too."

"You hate everyone," countered the former Cerberus officer.

"What's wrong with that, cheerleader?" challenged the tattooed woman.

"You know, Commander," began Joker, "there's another way you're kinda like George. You're constantly helping everyone at the cost of your own dreams."

Amused by the pilot's attempt at parallels, Lakota mocked, "You're not going to get all romantic on me, are you Joker?"

"Hell, no Commander. I'm not stupid. I'll leave that to someone who's more qualified."

Liara looked back at the _Normandy'_s pilot and teased, "A wise move, Mr. Moreau." Turning back to face her lover, she then asked, "So what about that romance, Commander?"

Lakota grinned mischievously. "What is it you want, Doctor?" The Spectre's hand reached out and spanned across the space in front of them as though she was attempting to touch the stars. "What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Liara."

"I'll take it," replied Liara playfully. "Then what?"

"Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of..." Lakota looked her lover up and down with light-hearted suspicion. "Hey… wait a minute… your biotics already do that!"

"Oh for the love of…," huffed Miranda. "Get a room."

"If the Commander is like George Bailey," began Garrus, "then where are your kids, Shepard?"

"What do I need kids for, Garrus? I've got you."

"What's this 'Old Maid' shit?" grumbled Jack. "Mary stays single and frigid because she didn't marry that puss? What the hell is that about?"

"The correct term is spinster," said Kelly. "We're also talking about a culture where women typically married quite young. Many married straight out of high school or even quit high school to get married. You were an 'old maid' much sooner than we would think of someone being an old maid now…" Every unmarried pair of female eyes turned to the counselor who quickly added, "Which of course is antiquated terminology and no longer has any societal bearing."

"I think Annie, the cook, had one of the best lines in the movie!" Donning an exaggerated southern accent, Kasumi quoted, "I've been saving this money for a divorce, if ever I get a husband." The Asian woman laughed at her own joke while she poured another drink. "Smart girl."

Jacob had a perplexed look on his face after he finished his red mystery drink.

"Don't read too much into it, baby." Kasumi consoled him by refilling his glass.

"Donna Reed is SMOKING no matter what she's wearing!" exclaimed Joker. "First, she's the 'HOT mom.' Then she's the 'HOT librarian in cute glasses' girl. Then she's the 'HOT mom' again!"

Chakwas sipped her eggnog tentatively—this time she was prepared for its tasty, alcoholic bite. "I must admit, she does look a bit younger when she is closing the library. Maybe it's due to her makeup."

All through the crew's animated conversation, Grunt's expression had been one of deep thought. "Why were there no battles after the human's challenged each other with 'Hee-haw'?"

"Um… it's not a battle cry, Grunt," explained Lakota. "It's a greeting or expression of excitement."

Grunt chuckled. "Right, Shepard. Good one. Next you'll be telling me that the furs they wore were not battle trophies."

"Um… heh… yeah… about that…"

Before Lakota could answer, Kasumi appeared before Grunt and offered him some eggnog as consolation for his disappointment. Seeing the experimental liquid as a test of his stamina, Grunt took the drink, slammed it back in one swallow, and then handed the empty glass back to the thief. She vanished momentarily and then returned—the glass now full. Grunt drank the newly full glass in one swallow, as well. He staggered for a moment, and then handed the empty glass back to Kasumi only saying one word, "Again."

The battle line was drawn. War had begun.

The thief disappeared with an empty glass and reappeared with a full glass eight more times. The room was utterly silent, as everyone watched the spectacle with increasing fascination. When Kasumi returned for the eleventh time and handed the full glass to the mighty krogan, he didn't move to take it. Instead, he swayed slowly back and forth as if moving to his own internal music until he swayed too far to the left and fell to the ground… snoring. Kasumi gently patted him on the head and then vanished—reappearing at the bar and taking a swig of her green holiday drink.

With the battle now over, Mordin got up from his grey floor pillow and then crossed the room heading toward the bar. As he gingerly stepped over the snoring krogan, Legion inquired, "Solus-Doctor, this platform has analyzed the beverage you prepared in the laboratory and has determined it could be used as an alternative to high incendiary ammunition. Have you considered this usage and statistical ramifications for both economic and warfare efficiency?"

"Liquid meant for party. Incendiary substitute interesting, but not point of creation. Will set aside for research." As he walked, he ruminated aloud. "Vid's plot based on string theory. Ingenious. Nonetheless flawed."

Overhearing the salarian, Thane asked, "String theory, Professor?"

Mordin stopped in front of the bar before answering. "Yes, essential idea. All different 'fundamental ' particles of existence are just different manifestations of one basic object. A string." He poured himself some eggnog. "One string, multiple dimensions."

Kasumi magically appeared next to Joker, handed him some eggnog and vanished. Then the pilot looked over at Mordin with a confused look on his face. "I don't get it."

Sipping on her eggnog, Chakwas helpfully quoted from the movie. "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

"Oh… I get it now!" said Joker. "George's alternate universe is just part of the string!"

"Kind of like the string of copy-cat movies that followed this one's footsteps," said Miranda. The former Cerberus officer nodded her head in gratitude when Kasumi appeared, handed her a glass of eggnog, then just as quickly disappeared.

"It's true," said Kelly. "The movie uses a common plot device whereby an external force—usually supernatural—intervenes in a time of crisis to show the character facing said crisis how things would have been had he or she never been born—"

"Or entered that line of work," added Joker.

Filling his glass with more red liquid, Jacob said, "Or come to town."

"Yes, yes… those, too," said Kelly. "This may also occur as part of a near death experience—"

"Or following a prayer that sounds like 'Smite Me, O Mighty Smiter' for I am not worthy!" inserted Lakota mirthfully.

Liara playfully pinched her lover on the arm. "Stop interrupting the counselor. She's making a point."

Kelly cleared her throat. "Yes, well… other vids or vid series with this type of plot usually take place around Christmas time, because '_It's a Wonderful Life_' takes place around Christmas."

"Like the vid '_Family Man_', '_It Happened One Christmas_' , '_Mr. Destiny_', or…" Joker stopped abruptly when all eyes in the room turned his way. "What? I like vids. All types… if you know what I mean." He smirked before taking a big drink of his eggnog and then proceeded to choke it down without spitting it out. "Holy shit, Mordin." *_cough_* "This is awesome!" *_cough_*

Chakwas threw caution to the wind and took a deep drink of her eggnog. "So… what you're saying is that if a series hasn't performed yet 'Another Christmas Carol' episode, they'll be doing this one."

Kasumi appeared next to Kelly and handed her a glass of eggnog. The counselor accepted the drink and then continued her explanation. "Yes. In this type of story, it is usual that people would be worse off without the main protagonist in their life. The alternative world is usually governed by the Butterfly of Doom."

"Butterfly of Doom?" Garrus chomped on a turian-friendly, shuriken cookie. "Is that some sort of weapon of mass destruction?"

"No, Mr. Vakarian," corrected the counselor. "It means regardless of how minor the change, there is rarely a middle ground or a world which is only slightly different. Instead that character's absence, no matter how seemingly insignificant or small, will result in a completely dark alternative world—"

"Crapsack world," inserted Joker.

"...in which there is little hope whatsoever." Kelly finished by taking a long swig from her glass.

Kasumi materialized next to Liara and Lakota, handing them each a glass—Liara had the red liquid; Lakota had the green, and then dropped out of sight. Noticing Garrus' mandibles moving in deep thought, Liara further explained the theory. "The 'Butterfly of Doom' is a time travel trope, named for the 'Butterfly Effect of Chaos Theory'."

"Butterfly effect," repeated Mordin. The salarian drank some eggnog before vocalizing his thought tram. "Flapping butterfly wings on one continent impact weather patterns on another…"

"Exactly, Professor," confirmed Liara. "But in regards to time travel, the notion becomes a bit more sinister. It is common in time travel tales that even the slightest change to history can have massive unexpected impact on the future, almost always for the negative."

"Fantastic." quipped Joker. "Does this apply for everyone? Cuz there are some people who really need to be wiped from existence."

The salarian professor shook his head. "Human elaboration only. Colorful language. Highly improbable."

The _Normandy_'s pilot asked another question. "So… what are the chances of getting a swimming pool on the _Normandy_? You know… maybe underneath CIC, like they had in the gym. That was so COOL when the floor opened!"

While pursuing the problem in head, the salarian tapped a finger to his lips. "Large water mass needed. Contained within subflooring. Full length pool impossible. Lap pool more likely solution."

"Hot dog!" yelled Joker. "Whaddya say, Commander? You game for a pool."

"Are you paying for it?"

Joker pursed his lips and then grumbled, "Forget I mentioned it… Scrooge."

Taking a deep breath, Kasumi vanished from the bar and appeared before Jack offering a glass of eggnog. Looking over at the passed out krogan, Jack grumbled, "What the hell." She grabbed the glass and the thief flashed back to the bar, next to Jacob. Kasumi smiled softly as she picked up her glass from the bar and whispered, "Ho, ho, ho."

"What I find remarkable about '_It's a Wonderful Life_' is how well the vid holds up over the years," said Lakota. Her left arm was still wrapped snuggly around Liara's shoulders as she took a drink from the glass held in her right hand—the liquid had a light minty flavor.

Dr. Chakwas nodded her head in agreement. "It's one of those ageless vids that, like a fine wine, improves with age."

"Some vids, even good ones, should only be seen once," said Kelly. "When we know how they turn out, they've surrendered their mystery and appeal. Other movies can be viewed an indefinite number of times. Like great music, they improve with familiarity." The counselor carefully sipped her drink. "This vid falls in the second category."

Lakota raised her glass in the air. "A toast to the vid." Everyone with a glass in hand joined the commander in the salutation as Grunt's snores reverberated in the background. "To one of the most beloved Christmas vids in existence." Before anyone could take a sip, Lakota playfully added, "And to the most challenging, talented and idiosyncratic crew I've ever served with."

Everyone took a drink commemorating the toast and then began to mingle - except for Miranda. Instead, the former Cerberus Officer looked over at the young counselor sharing the sofa with her. After a few moments, she gave a gentle nod of acknowledgement to Kelly and recalled a personal message she'd received earlier in the day…

_Miranda, it's the time of year when we put aside our differences with others and we remember that no person who has friends is a failure. Make sure Kelly is at vid night. I'll even ring a bell for you. _

_-Shepard_

* * *

Author's End Note:

Thank you to all who have been following this playful, humorous fic, and many thanks to those who have fav'd, alerted and left reviews. Your interest and feedback are fantastic motivators to keep the crew reviewing vid after vid after vid.

Happy Holidays!


	11. Terminator 2: Judgment Day

**Author's Note:**

With the ending of ME3 (even with the DLC EC), many of us could use a laugh, and I hope you find one or two or three or more within this movie review.

Many thanks to those who have fav'd, alerted and reviewed! I'm glad to know others appreciate a little sarcasm… or maybe a lot of sarcasm and general frivolity. ;)

Movie review suggestions are always welcome (I'm keeping a running tally)! Speaking of which… I normally don't do this, but because of all the requests the next movie review will be "Saving Private Ryan."

I hope you enjoy the show!

* * *

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

As the last of the vid credits rolled, Zaeed, who was lounging in his Laz-y-boy recliner, clapped his hands twice and the lights of the Starboard Cargo Area came on. The bright light illuminated the space that was currently occupied by the _Normandy SR2_ crew and the furniture on which they sat. The Flotilla furniture – aptly named because the pieced-together lounging entourage followed the crew on their nomadic vid watching journey – consisted of Miranda's leather sofa, Joker's director's chair, Zaeed's Laz-y-boy, and assorted floor pillows – AKA 'bean bags' – adorned in various colors.

"The whole premise of this movie is crap!" declared Joker. He was sitting in his purple canvas-backed director's chair and appeared agitated. "In the first vid they clearly established a time travel fact – only objects surrounded by organic tissue can time-travel. That's why Kyle Reese and the Terminator are both naked!" With a pouty expression he leaned back into his chair and defiantly crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Which I might add, is kind of creepy."

"Right," said Garrus. "So how is the T-1000, who is made entirely from liquid metal and therefore has no tissue matter at all, able to accomplish this feat?"

The turian was sitting on the sofa next to Dr. Chakwas. She replied, "That's easy. Things have moved on from the events of the first film, and SkyNet has developed a workaround for the whole 'living tissue' conundrum."

Garrus tilted his head in disbelief. "That would require some impressive calibration."

"Then there's no need for the T-1000 to be naked!" yelled Joker as if he'd just proven his point.

"Unless," countered Lakota, "he's trying to trick any passing gawkers into thinking he's an older model of Terminator." She nestled back down into her red bean bag before murmuring, "Which would be exceptionally paranoid for an emotionless machine."

"Who wrote this crap?" Jack asked. She was sitting on a table next to a disassembled rifle. "I thought the robots couldn't show emotion."

In the corner across the room near the trash compactor, stood Legion. The geth's body had been frozen all through the vid, but now the head tilted and it replied. "Affirmative. Synthetic platforms are unable to comply with emotional display."

"Then why the fuck, at the end of the vid, does the T-1000 give us the world's greatest 'oh shit' face just before it melts to slag?"

Although its body was perfectly still, the flaps on Legion's head were moving in a way that suggested confusion. "No data available."

"Wait a minute," Jacob said. He was seated next to Kasumi in an overstuffed, two person beanbag. "This is a sequel, right?"

Nodding, Kasumi said, "Yes, baby."

"And Sarah Connor is the one who killed the original Terminator?"

"Yes."

"Damn," said the former Cerberus soldier, "that's embarrassing. Taken out by a waitress."

"…who was clearly out of her mind in the vid," added Tali. During the middle of the vid, she'd stood up and began pacing along the back wall near the trash compactor near Legion. "Delusional. Borderline psychotic! A Terminator as a father figure? What kind of bosh'tet idiot thinks a synthetic being can raise children?" The quarian shuddered at the thought. "Um… no offense, Legion."

"None taken, Creator Zorah," Legion said. "Sarah Connor's operating system was unstable."

"Unstable is one word for it." Miranda was sitting on a table top across the room from Jack. She locked gazes with tattooed biotic but addressed the whole group. "She remind you of any one we know?"

In turn, Jack pointed her left fist toward the Cerberus officer, palm up with her middle finger raised. "Sit and spin, Cheerleader."

Lakota, who had seen the gesture in her periphery, chuckled out loud. "Hey, Jack," she said, "next time you wave, try using all of your fingers."

"What are you, Shepard? My mother?"

"Didn't know you had one. Thought you sprang out of a hunk of eezo yelling 'I will destroy you!'"

"Screw you!" Jack's voice sounded harsh and raspy, but the smile on her face betrayed her amusement.

Garrus, who was relaxing on the sofa, sat up and waved his hands in front of him. "Ladies, ladies… no need to make this personal."

"Who you calling a lady, Platehead?" Jack snarled. "I'll drop you from ten stories up, THEN try calling me a lady!"

"Jack, please, I don't have a fear of heights." The turian leaned over and whispered to Chakwas, "I do however have a fear of falling from them."

"It was nice of the insane asylum to install locks with keyholes on the INSIDE of the cell." Shaking her head, Miranda said, "Bloody brilliant move."

Kasumi performed a feline-like stretch in the bean bag before saying, "I appreciated that skill needed to open an analog lock like that. I find so few that when I see them, I have to open them."

Chakwas looked over at the thief. "You wouldn't have tried your hand at it in the medbay, would you? Is that why my Serrice Ice Brandy is missing?"

"It wasn't me, Doctor," replied Kasumi smoothly, "but now I wish it had been."

Samara was sitting cross-legged on the floor with a serene expression on her face. "Sarah Connor used her time in the cell admirably. Exercise can clear the mind and make the body pure."

"She was more ripped than Jacob!" said Joker excitedly. "And HOT!"

Smiling to himself, Zaeed said, "Rage is one hell of a motivator."

Jacob had a concerned look on his face as he leaned over to Kasumi and whispered, "More ripped than me?"

"Don't worry about it, Jakey," said the thief, "Joker has a thing for anything female."

Still pacing, Tali's agitated state was evident in every one of her movements. "She was obsessed! SkyNet this, Terminator that, Judgment day, the apocalypse is coming!"

"I think you've sounded like that, Shepard," Garrus teased.

Lakota glanced at him and shot back, "We're all in the same delusion together, Vakarian."

"Careful of your obsession, Commander," said Miranda, "or the Council may have you locked up in an asylum."

"That sounds like a vacation to me, Ms Lawson," the Spectre quipped.

Interested in the topic, Thane sat up and inquired, "Shepard, would you be like Sarah Connor and break the law to get what you wanted?"

"I'm surprised you have to ask." Grinning roguishly, Lakota said, "I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions."

Samara closed her eyes as a subtle smile formed on her lips. "It's a good thing I didn't hear that, Commander."

"That sounds like a 'yes' to me," said Garrus.

"Do not make the mistake of generalizing Sarah Connor as a deranged psychotic," stated Chakwas. "This vid very much concerns Sarah's loss of humanity, and her opportunity to re-discover it through her son."

The Spectre rolled her eyes and spoke as though reciting the alphabet. "Because she became a fanatically driven woman whose single-minded focus to change the future rivaled that of any Terminator."

The older woman nodded in affirmation. "Well put, Commander."

"So," said Lakota astutely, "what you're really saying is that this is a bombastic, special-effects-laden morality play."

"That is one way to describe the vid."

"Hot damn!"

Grunt was leaning against the wall near the entrance. Without warning he pushed off from wall and in a voice filled with awe and respect he stated, "The machines are relentless. They are deadly. They will never stop until they meet their objective." He turned to Lakota and the tone of his voice shifted to incorporate an almost child-like tenor. "Battlemaster, can I have one?"

Startled by the unexpected request, the Spectre said, "What?"

"For sparring," explained the krogan. "The Citadel dummies break like toys… and it won't cry like Garrus."

"I don't cry!" retorted the turian. "I have a very manly yell."

"Um… I'll get back to you on that Grunt." Lakota settled back down into her beanbag and muttered, "Where the hell am I going to get one of those?"

"If Grunt gets his own Terminator," said Zaeed," then I want my own damn Gatling style minigun. A six-barrel, air-cooled, electrically-driven rotary machine gun will do a helluva lot of damage… and it's a helluva lot prettier than Garrus."

"You're one to talk about pretty," shot back the turian.

Smirking, Jack said, "I'll take the sunglasses."

"I just want it to go away," sighed Tali.

Looking at the Commander, Kasumi said, "I wouldn't mind having that paper clip, Shep. Nostalgia purposes only." The thief glanced slyly over at the medical doctor.

Jacob, who had a sullen look on his face, said, "I'd like some more workout equipment for my room." Kasumi consoled him by gently patting his knee.

"Oh? Is that all?" said Lakota in slight exasperation. "Is there anyone else who needs something? Samara?"

"I gave up all possessions before embarking on my path," said the Justicar. "I need for nothing, Shepard."

"Well, I need a vacation," muttered the Spectre.

Leaning over toward Jacob, Kasumi asked in a whisper, "Who on our crew would say 'I know why you cry, but it is something I can never do'."

Furrowing his brow, the former Cerberus soldier murmured, "What about Legion?"

"Too obvious. Plus he would never say 'I'."

"Shepard?"

"What?" The thief's voice almost broke the whispered volume. "She cries."

"When?" asked Jacob. "When have you seen her cry?"

"Okay. Never. But it's not her."

"Samara."

"You know, you really suck at this guessing game."

Jacob looked around the room studying everyone closely. "Zaeed," he said definitively.

"Good one!" affirmed Kasumi. "Granted, he would probably say something more like…" The thief lowered her voice and adopted a Zaeed-like accent. "…Goddamn crybabies! Quit yer whining!"

As if lightning struck her, Kasumi sat straight up in her bean bag. "Does anyone else think Zaeed should be called Uncle Bob?"

Everyone in the room replied simultaneously. "NO!"

Joker turned to Thane who was reposed quietly on his yellow bean bag. The pilot stuck out his hand with the palm perpendicular to the floor. "Give me some skin, Thane!"

Hesitantly, Thane asked, "Skin?"

"You know, like in the vid, when John is teaching the Terminator slang."

"So," said the drell, his outstretched hand now mimicking Joker's, "I should 'high five' you?"

"No, no, no… for you it would be 'give me four'!"

"So… not 'high five', but 'high four'?"

"Yes!"

Looking perplexed, Thane commented, "Humans have very strange greeting customs."

Miranda repositioned herself on the desk which housed the surveillance equipment. "Sarah Connor thought she could change the future. She said 'there's no fate but what we make'." She turned to Lakota. "I'm curious. What do you think of that, Shepard?"

"I used to believe that, but lately… I don't know…" The Spectre frowned slightly. "It feels like whatever path I take will lead to the same end. Different colored, but pretty much identical."

"Well," said Miranda, "could _that_ get any more depressing?"

Mordin sat up in his green bean bag. "In vid, they propose computing power that made Terminators possible was copied from remains of first Terminator's components. Circular timing. All outcomes are the same."

"That explains their stupidity at the end of the movie," spat Tali. "The T-1000, the T-800 and the old parts of the original Terminator where all thrown in the molten metal pit. Hm. Oh wait! Something seems to be missing. Could it be the detached robotic arm in the crunched in the cogs? Oops." The quarian sighed heavily in frustration.

Mordin raised his hand to his chin while his finger tapped his lip as though deep in thought. "They all forgot the arm. Could justify original premise that there is no fate and circular history inevitable."

Exasperated, Tali said, "It makes no sense for any of them – and especially the T-800 who lost the arm to _not_ think about fetching it in the gears a few meters away. He's standing there without an arm! No one thought, 'I wonder where it went'?"

Garrus added to the argument. "And why didn't they get Sarah Connor as an infant? Hell, even if it was just one day earlier than the first vid, it would still make all the difference in the world."

Shaking his head, Mordin explained, "Wouldn't matter. Circular time is simple concept. Universe recurring. Will continue to recur in a self-similar form an infinite number of times across infinite time or space. No fooling it. No avoiding it. All outcomes the same."

"That sure takes the surprise out of things," deadpanned Garrus.

Tali walked over to Lakota, kneeled down and then took hold of the Commander's head between her hands. Lakota had a baffled look on her face as the quarian tilted her head to the right, to the left, then up and then down.

"Um… Tali," said the Spectre. "What are you doing?"

"Looking for your red eyes."

"Um… I'm not a Terminator."

"Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure? Why would they make them look human? We never once thought to make the geth look like us."

"They're infiltration units," explained the Spectre. "They look human to get close to humans and then terminate their target."

"But you're an infiltrator, too!" countered the quarian.

"Damn, that didn't help my case at all." Lakota looked over to Legion. "Hey, can you help me out here?"

The geth turned his eye toward the Commander. "Our analysis of organic humor suggests a 92.3% chance that you expect us to respond with, 'You are only human'."

"But you're an infiltrator!" said the Spectre. "Surely you have something else to add!"

"Geth do not infiltrate."

Zaeed sneered, "Says Shepard's personal synthetic assistant."

Legion looked at the mercenary. "Geth do not intentionally infiltrate."

Thane leaned back, his elbow resting on the bean back and his hands folded together in front of his chest. "Sarah Connor is not much of a sniper."

"Oh holy hell, she's horrible!" said Lakota. "She missed even with a fully automatic sniper rifle!"

Garrus nodded. "Agreed, she is not a good shot."

"But she can pump a shotgun with one arm," touted Joker. "That's _hot_!"

"She is weak," said Grunt. "She couldn't lift a Claymore."

"Damn, Grunt, who can?" asked Garrus.

The krogan grinned. "Shepard can."

"What about the chase scene when they are in the SWAT van and the T-1000 is coming after them?" questioned the Spectre. "Sarah doesn't have her hair pulled back, but yet it miraculously doesn't get in her way."

Jack narrowed her eyes at Miranda and her long black locks. Grinning devilishly, the tattooed biotic raised her voice and addressed the group. "Remind you of anyone in this room?"

The former Cerberus officer smiled without humor and mouthed the words "fuck you". In response Jack smirked and silently mouthed "you wish".

Oblivious to the silent sparring, Joker exclaimed, "But Sarah looked really good in that scene. Buff yet sexy. Injured, but tough. Totally hot-o-matic!"

Scowling, Lakota said, "The wind would've blown hair in her face and she wouldn't be able to shoot straight… oh… wait… that could explain her bad aim."

The _Normandy's_ pilot shot out of his chair and onto his feet, his hands raised in the air like a "V". "It doesn't matter, she still looked _hot_!"

Ignoring Joker's rant, Dr. Chakwas sat up a little straighter on the sofa and said, "When the T-1000 is at the foster parent's house the first time, it says to them, 'He's a good looking boy. Do you mind if I keep the picture?'… I found that rather unsettling."

"Yes," agreed Samara. "That was… disturbing. The foster parents should have been more vigilant."

Without preamble, Legion stated, "The T-1000 was inefficient."

Curious about the declaration, Thane asked, "How so?"

"While on the elevator car, the unit repeatedly stabbed its bladed arm through the roof. Cutting the elevator cable would have been more effective."

Nodding in agreement, the drell assassin said, "I concur."

"Don't forget when he drove the motorcycle up the stairwell," said Garrus. "That was excessive."

Tali, who was still kneeling next to the Spectre, questioned, "Shepard, are you sure this isn't some film noire vid you've spoken of before?"

Smiling, Lakota replied, "No, Tali, it's a science fiction action vid. A good one, too."

"But the vid is so dark," countered the quarian. "The world is corrupt, there's moral obscurity at every turn, and to top it off an evil AI and supposedly good AI are running around freely. That's…that's… anarchy!"

Shrugging her shoulders noncommittally, Lakota said, "Well, it was Earth's twentieth century… things were a bit ambiguous back then."

Lowering her head, the quarian whispered, "They were right, it is in your nature to destroy yourselves."

"Only on Tuesday and Thursdays," quipped the Spectre, "the rest of the week we're busy with our hedonistic lifestyle."

Looking around the room, Dr. Chakwas commented, "I wonder what happened to Ms. Chambers…"

"Oh," said Miranda mischievously, "I'm sure she just got locked into something else."

* * *

_Before the vid:_

In Kelly Chamber's room, a private message was displayed on her monitor: _"To better empathize with Sarah Connor's incarceration, you've been locked in your room. Use the provided paperclip to open the locked box on your desk and within it you will find the key to your release."_

_After the vid:_

Kelly Chambers was passed out on her bed. An empty bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy was on the night stand next to her along with a shot glass and the lock box which was lying open. The lock had been broken off. Inside the box was a heavy foam insert that had the shape of the brandy bottle and the shot glass.

Printed on the bottom of the shot glass were these four words: "Hasta la vista, baby."


	12. Saving Private Ryan

******Author's Note**:

To those who have followed this fic, sorry for the delay. Writer's block along with life put a halt on all creative endeavors for a time. Thankfully, a new year has brought renewed motivation! As always, many thanks to those who have fav'd, alerted and reviewed this ongoing fic!

Review suggestions are always welcome- the list is continually updated!

Side-note: I am no strategist or armed services veteran, so if you are expecting a military analysis of the movie's merits or its character depictions, you'll most likely be disappointed. Instead, you should look at this fic more like I do: "Mystery Science Theater 3000 meets Mass Effect 2 meets Modern Movies"... Oh, to be as funny as MST 3000... It is good to have goals. *grin*

I hope you enjoy the show!

* * *

Saving Private Ryan

In preparation for vid night, the affectionately named "Flotilla Furniture"- various multi-colored floor pillows, Zaeed's gun-metal grey La-Z-boy recliner, Joker's folding director's chair and the black leather sofa from Miranda's office - had been moved into the armory. The furniture was placed randomly in a semi-circle around the large mobile projection screen which sat in front of the door -currently locked- separating the room from the CIC. As the vid credits started to roll, the lights came on casting a brilliant luminance throughout the room. Some of the squad mates quickly tilted their heads to the ground, as though attempting to hide their face and eyes – which were curiously glossy - from the rest of the crew.

Commander Lakota Shepard, who sat behind everyone on an armory table, glanced over at Grunt who stood up, yawned and then stretched his arms above his head. Narrowing her eyes suspiciously, the Spectre asked, "Grunt, did you fall asleep during the vid?"

The krogan stretched one more time before replying, "Only the middle."

"The middle?"

"After they seized the beach from the enemy with bloodshed and glory, I took a nap. Then I saw them do battle to hold the town."

"Those were the beginning and end scenes of the vid!"

"The best scenes, too," growled the krogan unapologetically.

"Don't be too hard on him, Commander, not all of us were as enamored with this vid as others," stated Chakwas, who was seated on the black leather couch. The frown on her face made it very evident she was annoyed. "Personally, I've never appreciated it when a director attempts to bamboozle the audience with cheap manipulations."

Kasumi also sat on the couch, but was sitting between the medical doctor and Jacob. Confused, the thief asked, "Bamboozle, Doc?"

"I've seen this ploy before," said the older woman. "The audience assumes that the vid is meant to be a flashback. It's NOT though. The audience _thinks _it's a flashback because they see an old man at the cemetery, then it cuts to Captain Miller fifty years before. Audiences are used to seeing similar set ups and film devices to tell them that they are now seeing a flashback. They think they're so bloody brilliant because they understand this without the director resorting to music cues or fuzzy camera peripherals." The doctor's nose crinkled as she sneered, "But they were lied to all along!"

"I think the Doc was bamboozled," teased Garrus, "and I think she's just a tiny bit upset." The former C-Sec officer leaned back into his bean bag and smiled a turian smile.

"It's a cheap Spielberg manipulation trick!" retorted Chakwas loudly.

Garrus pointed a finger at the doctor. "And I agree with you," he said. "There _is_ a fatal flaw to the story telling in the vid."

"What do you mean?" questioned Tali. She was relaxing in the yellow bean bag to the left of the turian.

"The vid is told from Ryan's perspective, right?"

"Yeah, so what?" challenged Jack, who was leaning on the wall near the doors leading to Mordin's lab. Her arms were crossed defiantly in front of her chest.

The turian looked around the room to confirm that everyone was listening before continuing. "He doesn't meet the squad until a few days into the story and Captain Miller never gives him a detailed account of what happened on the beach or how they finally found him. So how did Ryan know what the squad was doing in the beginning of the film?"

Jack tilted her head contemplatively. "Scarface has a point."

Miranda leaned forward on the red bean bag that she'd been lounging in and then stood up. "Mr. Moreau, what the bloody hell are you wearing?"

The pilot glanced down at his outfit – a vintage replica of a World War II Army Ranger's uniform, including the helmet which he was wearing on his head. "What? This old thing? The trousers are actually very comfortable. You'd think the wool fabric would chafe, but it's actually very soft."

Lakota shook head while her hand palmed her face. "For the love of all that's blue," she groused. "Joker, where in the hell do you find this stuff?"

"Well, you see, Commander, there is a site on the extranet that specializes in making custom outfits. I'm a member and get some really great deals when I buy more than…" The pilot stopped talking when he realized that all eyes in the room were on him. "Oh, I get it," he said to the ridiculing stares, "that was a rhetorical question. Fine. Just remember that history will one day look back at this moment and who will be wearing your scantily clad leather outfits? Not me, I say! NOT ME!"

Turning to face Grunt once again, Lakota asked, "So that was it? You only saw the first and last thirty minutes of the vid?"

Yawning, Grunt nodded his head.

"What about all of the scenes in between?" The Spectre's voice carried the tone of incredulity with it.

"They were annoying... like insects you want to squash," explained the krogan, "so I read this…" He held up a datapad with the digital pictorial book _Predatory Sharks _on the screen. "Then fell asleep."

Miranda shook her head and scoffed, "All of those men going after one person _was_ a serious misallocation of military resources."

Lakota turned her head sharply, glaring at the ex-Cerberus officer who was standing only a foot away. "Seems like I've heard that from you before," she accused.

"You have, Commander," replied Miranda curtly.

"Okay… who agrees with Ms. Lawson?" Lakota looked around the room. "Raise your hands."

Miranda, Zaeed, Legion, Samara, Thane, Grunt, Mordin, Garrus and even the Spectre all raised their hands while the rest of the crew – Tali, Kasumi, Joker, Chakwas, Jacob and Jack kept their hands down.

"Commander?" The ex-Cerberus officer's brow crinkled in confusion. "You agree with me?"

"Yeah," said the Lakota in a whisper so low that only Miranda could hear. "I wouldn't have spent the creds on me, either."

Jack noticed a few people staring at her and angrily adjusted her crossed arms. "What are you looking at?" she barked. "There's no way I am siding with the cheerleader!"

Tali adjusted her position in her bean bag so she could look squarely at Garrus and even though she was wearing a mask, her body language made it very clear that she was glaring at him. "Garrus!" she yelled, then slugged his raised arm.

"What!" he said defensively. "I was only joking."

"Remember, Shepard came and saved _you_ on Omega!"

"That's true," mumbled the turian as he lowered his hand. He looked over at the commander and said, "Come on, Shepard. Put your arm down. You've completed so many missions to 'save one man' that it's practically tattooed on your back." He quickly shot a glance toward Jack. "No offense."

The tattooed biotic puckered her lips and blew the turian a snarky kiss from across the room.

"Or save one woman," countered Miranda.

"Or alien," said Joker.

Legion scanned the room before adding, "Or synthetic unit."

"Or krogan," stated Grunt.

"Grunt, that's what an alie-" Joker was immediately interrupted by a low growl coming from the krogan. "Ah… never mind. Throw asari, drell, turian, quarian, geth and human on the list. You might as well toss in hanar, batarian, elcor, volus, vorcha and baby pyjaks, as well. Shepard's young and she's got time."

"Garrus," said Lakota, "I only saved your ass so I could keep the Normandy. It was in the fine print."

"Oh no," muttered Tali to herself. "Here we go again."

"Please, Shepard," retorted the turian. "You wouldn't know what to do without my good looks to inspire you."

"That's partly true. You do bring in the girls… then I take them away." The Spectre quickly pointed a finger at Legion who she knew was recording the whole conversation. "That was a joke."

The front flaps on Legion's head whizzed and banged until they were arranged in a way that made the geth looked perplexed. "Processing."

Mordin who was lounging in a green beam bag lowered his hand and then stated, "Captain Miller in combat for two years. Shaking hand undoubtedly a reaction to stress of prolonged combat."

"Yes," said Chakwas, "I agree. His insomnia was part of it, too."

"Combat stress?" Joker readjusted himself in his director's chair. "How come Shepard's hands don't shake then?"

Garrus chuckled, "Because she's unshakable."

"Human behavior unpredictable," replied Mordin. "Individuals process stress inconsistently. Sign of mental instability. Key markers often hidden."

The pilot looked over at Lakota as though scrutinizing her every movement. "So what you're saying is that Shepard may be experiencing combat stress, but we don't know."

"What?" exclaimed the Spectre. "That's a bunch of crap! Garrus, what have you been telling them?"

"You are a cynical, suspicious woman, Shepard," said the turian.

"No I'm not! Who told you that?"

Tilting his head in contemplation, Mordin said, "Would have to monitor subject more closely."

"Sure, I get it," said Joker. "You're a scientist. You don't think, you observe." Hastily, the pilot recanted, "Wait. That didn't come out right."

Samara, who was sitting on the floor in the yoga pose called 'the lotus,' had her eyes closed and appeared to be meditating. Without warning she opened her eyes and commented, "Did anyone notice how clean Private Ryan was compared to everyone else? No smudges of dirt, no facial stubble."

"Just another way the director leads the audience to subconsciously identify with Ryan's innocent nature," said Thane. The drell was sitting next to Jack on a table that showcased various sniper rifles. Every now and again, after he gazed upon them, he sighed longingly.

"Okay, Grunt," said Lakota, "what did you like about the vid?"

"Like? It's not about like, Shepard. It's about battle!" proclaimed Grunt. "Humans are squishy, but brave. They are also stupid. Where were their shields? Their armor? And why did they cry for their mother's when they were injured? They are not krogan."

"That's true, Grunt. Few are."

Chakwas crossed her legs, then laid both hands upon her knees. "The first twenty-five minutes contains the most believably shocking combat sequences I've ever seen. The taking of Omaha Beach was viscerally disturbing and emotionally deafening."

"That's what real war is, Doctor," said Zaeed from his La-Z-Boy recliner. "A goddamn bloody mess."

"The sound of all of those bullets pinging off helmet reminded me of running around with you on Freedom's progress, Commander. Your aim was awful," teased Jacob.

"I'd just woken up from a two year coma," countered the Spectre. "You do that and then we'll talk."

"The director was biased," stated Samara, who had changed into the 'staff pose'. She was still sitting on the floor, but now had both legs stretched out in front of her and both hands were beside her hips actively pressing into the ground. "When the American soldiers were killed it was tragic. When they were wounded they cried out for water, morphine or – as Grunt pointed out - their mothers. But when the German soldiers were killed, there was nothing but silence. Nothing to give empathy to their deaths."

"Another deceptively calculating move by the director," asserted Thane. "The enemy is cast in an unforgiving light."

"And the Americans are just a sketchy band of combat clichés: a cocky Old New Yorker, a dependable sergeant, a whining Jewish kid and a cowardly translator," said Miranda as she crossed her arms in front of her chest. When she realized her posture mimicked Jack's, her hands immediately dropped to her sides.

"That's true, but there is some truth in clichés," said Kasumi. "Look at ourselves. In a way, some of us resemble those clichés in the vid."

"Oh yeah!" said Joker excitedly. "Kasumi is totally right! This group could totally pass as the characters in the vid."

Jacob frowned skeptically. "Okay. I'll bite. What about Private Jackson, the sniper who prays before taking a life?"

"I'm going to have to go with Thane with that one. I know that's stepping out on a really thick limb," said Joker sarcastically, "but I'm gonna do it."

Nodding his head in agreement, Jacob then asked, "And Captain Miller?"

"That's an easy one," said Kasumi. "Shep, of course. Who else?"

"Private Carpazo?" barked Zaeed. "The jackass who got himself killed by trying to save that little girl!"

"Well, it sure wouldn't be you," Jacob shot back.

"Goddamn right it wouldn't be. Idiot jeopardized his whole unit with that lame stunt."

"I say Jacob," answered Joker. "Carpazo is ripped; Jacob's got a six pack. Hell, he's probably got an eight pack." The pilot glanced over at the thief. "Kasumi, care to weigh in on this one?"

"Eight pack."

The pilot pointed a finger at the thief. "And there, my friends, is an example of T.M.I"

"T.M.I.," repeated Legion as the flaps on the geth's face formed into a frown. "A historical reference to the partial nuclear meltdown which occurred on Earth at the Three Mile Island power plant in Dauphin County, Pennsylvania, United States on March 28, 1979. It is also the informal title to the Monroe Institute, a nonprofit education and research organization devoted to the exploration of human consciousness located on Elysium. Ton-mile, a unit of freight transportation quantity, is cited also as T.M.I."

Joker let out an exaggerated sigh. "It means 'too much information'."

The geth paused momentarily then stated, "Our database has been updated."

"So who is Private Reiben?" challenged Lakota. "The mouthy one who questioned his superior officer."

"For attitude alone, I say it's Jack." Miranda smiled slyly. "It's a stretch though since Reiben doesn't have all those… colorful tattoos."

"You want color?" threatened Jack, as her biotics flared along her right arm. "Come get it, bitch!"

The ex-Cerberus officer's facial expression looked unconcerned, but her loose, 'ready for battle' stance said otherwise. "Or colorful language."

Before Jack could retort any further, Jacob asked, "And Sergeant Horvath?"

"Definitely, Miranda." Joker looked around the room for other assenting opinions. "You remember how Horvath was ready to shoot Reiben? Yeah, not like we haven't seen that before," the pilot mockingly rolled his eyes and pointed one finger at Miranda and one finger at Jack. "But instead of guns we get to see biotic pissing matches that will rip everything around them apart on the molecular level. Damn. Makes you wish for the good old days when bullets were the only things to worry about."

"I think Tali would be a good match for Private Ryan," declared Garrus. "When we first found her on the Citadel, she was young and relatively inexperienced in combat. But now look at her- badass to the bone. And be extra careful when she has a shotgun in her hands."

"Thanks, Vakarian," said the quarian. "That means a lot."

"Just telling the truth." Garrus leaned over to the quarian and whispered, "Remember that next time you threaten me with the shotgun."

"Private Wade, the medic?" asked Jacob.

Kasumi tilted her head in contemplation. "I'm going to have to go the traditional route and say Doctor Chakwas."

The female doctor smiled, and then queried, "What about Corporal Upham, the translator."

"At first, he reminded me of Liara," said Joker. "You know, before she became the great and powerful Oz. But then I remembered that she never froze in a fight. Which is weird because she'd never been in combat before. Must be an asari thing. Kind of like krogan are born warriors, asari are natural born commandos..." The pilot smiled sheepishly at Samara. "And that's when I thought of that guy on the Citadel that Shepard intimidated."

"Shepard intimidates a lot of people," said Zaeed in a tone that was filled with admiration and humor.

The pilot turned around to face Lakota. "Commander, who was that guy on the Citadel that you freaked out?"

A confused look flashed upon the Spectre's face as she mentally ran through a list of people she encountered on the Citadel over the years.

"Oh come on," said Joker, "you met him again on Illium, then shot him."

Lakota eyes lit up in remembrance. "Oh… Conrad. Conrad Verner."

"Yeah, that's the guy. I know he's not part of the squad, but he fits the profile." The pilot sat back in his seat. "He was such a tool."

Chakwas frowned in disagreement. "Corporal Upham signified the loss of innocence in war. In the beginning he thought that soldiers could be innocent, but ultimately succumbed to the evils of war when he shot that German soldier."

"Still a tool," said Joker.

Jacob nodded his head in agreement. "Private Mellish?"

"Garrus," answered Joker definitively. "He had a stick up his ass when it came to the Germans, but he was a funny guy."

The turian narrowed his eyes at the pilot. "Then I guess the platoon only needed to worry if he pulled that stick out of his ass and started beating people to death with it."

"Ah, yeah… right." Joker coughed uncomfortably. "Moving on."

"There are numerous selfless acts portrayed in the film," stated Chakwas, "but they fail to deliver any profound message."

Pursing her lips as though in deep thought, Kasumi said, "Selfless acts…. There was the woman in the typing pool who took time to inform the top brass of the three Ryan deaths."

"Miller and his men searching for the Private Ryan," added Jacob.

Interested in the positive nature of the conversation, Tali piped in, "The re-writing of Carpazo's bloodied letter to his family. First Wade, the medic had it, then it was picked up by Miller and finally Reiben."

"What the hell was in that letter to make is so important?" asked Jack.

"It started out with 'How are you?' so I don't think the letter's message was all that meaningful," explained the quarian. "I think the importance was the way it showed the soldiers' commitment to their 'brothers' in battle. They were willing to take on the responsibility of making sure that the letter got back to their friend's family. They knew that they could have just as easily been killed and knew how their families would feel if they were to get the same devastating news."

"Yeah," conceded Jack. "Whatever. A bunch of bullshit emotional baggage."

Jacob stretched his right arm along the back of the couch which just happened to be behind Kasumi's shoulders. "There is also the mercy they showed the German soldier."

"And we see how well that turned out for everyone," said Joker sarcastically, as he rolled his eyes.

"That is _exactly_ my point," said Chakwas. "The central message becomes muddled as the film progresses. Each of these singular acts of human decency fails to achieve the desired outcome, or achieves them at a very high price. The development of the story fails to take into consideration the thematic foundation to Captain Miller's search."

"If there ever was any-" Joker raised both hands in order to make quotation marks in the air with his fingers. "-'thematic foundation'…" As he shrugged his shoulders, he looked at Chakwas. "It's just a vid, Doc."

Ignoring the pilot's commentary, the human doctor continued. "The end result is frustratingly patchy- equally brilliant and lackluster- and delivers a profoundly mixed message. Are we meant to think that war is an impersonal meat-grinder as in the opening battle, or that a few good men can make a difference, as in the climax?"

"It's both," explained Zaeed. "I told you, war is a goddamn foul and bloody mess."

"Despite weak thematic development," commented Mordin, "emotional elements captivate. Visually unforgettable. Would watch again."

Zaeed concurred, "I would, too. For the weapons alone. Seeing those classic beauties rain destruction down on their enemy was enough to bring a tear to my eye." The mercenary turned toward Shepard. "We need flamethrowers."

Miranda shook her head. "I agree with Dr. Chakwas. Technically, it may be a realistic war vid, but dramatically, it barely delivers."

"I thought this was supposed to be a comedy," lamented Tali.

Garrus frowned. "A war vid as a comedy?"

"Tom Hanks was in it."

"Not every vid he is in is a comedy."

"Obviously, I know that now," said the quarian. "It's just that I was hoping for something more cheerful. A romantic comedy, like 'Fleet and Flotilla' or a documentary like 'Omni-tools: The Things You Don't Know'."

Lakota overheard Garrus and Tali's conversation and smiled. Then she scanned the room and frowned. "What's up with Kelly missing these vid nights?" Turning to Miranda, she asked, "Do you know where our counselor is?"

"I believe she had some reports to finish up, Commander," replied the ex-Cerberus Officer as a smirk curled at the corner of her lips.

* * *

_Before the vid:_

Kelly looked at her monitor and read the invitation one more time. "To prepare for the war vid, _Saving Private Ryan_, you have been given a list of military slang terms from Earth's World War II era. Please research all possible meanings for the following acronyms: SNAFU, SUSFA, TARFU and FUBAR. Submit your findings via the provided equipment. Grammatical errors will not be tolerated."

_After the vid:_

Kelly, a research fanatic, was asleep at her desk. Next to her on the desk sat a vintage replica of a Royal P281 1942, portable typewriter – circa World War II, a pristine stack of white typing paper, and a box of typing ribbon. All around her desk and floor were scads of crumpled up pieces of paper – the carelessly discarded typo-filled drafts.

On the piece of paper that was fed into the typewriter, the following words could be found:

_SNAFU – Situation Normal, All Fucked Up or Situation Normal, All Fouled Up_

_SUSFU – Situation Unchanged, Still Fucked Up_

_TARFU – Totally and Royally Fucked Up or Things Are Really Fucked Up_

_FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition or Fucked Up Beyond Any Reason or Fucked Up Beyond All Repair_

_Typing on this ancient machine is FUBAR…_


End file.
